The Dream is Over without a Wife, Career, Kids, and Home

Well, in a new blog posting, I guess I'll pine about how the American Dream is over for me. I wonder how many others across the country feel the same about the dream.. is it over for us? Will America recover from this depression we are in?
For me, my dream died the day Christine Collins tossed me out the door, in 1994. With that, ended my dreams of family, of a beautiful soft loving wife, of having my own kids with her. And now, its been 15 years since the day she tossed me out the door, and to this very day, no one has done for me what she did, no one has been there for me all these lonely shit years. It used to be, whenever i was feeling down, I could pop on over to her apartment, and she would cheer me up. Whether it was cuddling on the couch, holding hands, playing games, or making out, she was there for me, all those years, as my best friend and eventually my want to be bride. I have known no one in my entire life before or since that gave a shit about me that was a gorgeous as her, soft as her, shapely as her, as loving as her, as playful as her, as carign as her, and so on and so on. She met all my needs in a woman, unlike everyone before or since. She was the closest i have come to having as a wife. In fact, i viewed her as a kind of surrogate wife, and would have been happy had she filled that role forever. we used to kid, that if I had no children by the time I was 30, her and I would have one together and she would be a surrogate mom. What she didnt know, was I wasnt joking, i really was hoping that by the time I turned 30, we'd be married together and have kids on the way. The chemistry we had was unprecedented in my life time. No one has had that chemistry that we had together. I miss her very much, not just her body, which was perfect, but her very soul as well. I died on the inside when she said goodbye.
it wasnt even 2 years later, after going into the hospital, that i gave up on life, and decided it was not worth living without her in 1996. For some reason, I woke up, was given a chance at a new life. My first thought was of her, when i woke up by the way.
Well, i was given a new career, and a new life, but have searched in vain, and dismal regret, that no one has filled me like she did. Though i have had sex with quite a few women since her, and have come close to marrying out in Oregon, and wanted to marry Jenny too, none of them really bonded with me like she did. And so, now that all that time has gone by, and I am now 44, it is too late to start a family. My life 's dreams, are over. Christine has been gone all these years, - theres been no attempt by me or her to contact each other. I'm so afraid of another life ending rejection, that I am too skiddish to contact her. I really would toss this life again, were she to blow me off again. So, i leave this message to her, with the hope that at least she finds out that I never stopped loving her, and that my only dream and hope was to have spent my life with her, as husband and wife, and to have had a few kids together.
So, with that part of my dream now dead, my mantra of "wife, career, kids, and home," the big 4 dreams of my life, are completely dead to me, an impossible dream now.
For one, I simply do not find women in their 40s attractive (Well, OK, aside from Helen Hunt, whom is awesome!). All the women I have been with my entire life, have all been in their 20s until recently. Its only been since I turned 40, that I;ve gone out with the 40 crowd, and frankly, they are too old to start a family with. They are either too old to breed, going through menopause, or looking for someone to be a grandpa to their kids kids. Shit, I want to start my own family, not be the instant father to some kids whom themsevlves would be in their teens or 20s. No, given I died when I was in my 20s, and I continue to constantly think of Jenny, Christine, and so on the way they were when they were in their 20s, I have imprinted on that age group. yeah, I'm old now, and feel it in my back, my neck, my knees, and so on, I still see myself mentally as 27, the day i was when Christine tossed me out the door. to me, Christine and Jenny are ageless, never growing old, staying the same beauty they were in the 1990s, to this very day. So, although I still am looking to start a family, that means looking at some one in their 20s to low 30s, that concept has died too. Now that I am 44, I cant pick up chicks like i used to anymore. So, my chances of finding an age appropriate (20-35 year old women) woman is zero, becuase none of them see past my age. So, that too solidifies the deathnail that this life has become... not only has the only women of my life gone all these years, its impossible now for me to find anyone as good as them. So, no point in looking anymore. Life is over for me.
So I ask myself, what am I doing here? Surely, i wasnt given 15 years of life to still bne single, and to not have had any of my own kids. And yet, without that life and kids, I feel that at this point in life, that its useless and pointless to go on. All i ever wanted was a wife, career, kids and home. How many of us out there, want this simple dream? To me, that is the dream, and its dead to me. So why go on? Whats the point to this life anymore? I never had a chance at having a purpose in life - that of being a husband and father. And so, now that that time of possible opportunity has come and gone, what is keeping me going today?
No, for me my version of the dream has died. It ended in 1994, the day Christine tossed me out of her life, and ended mine. I've spent 15 years searching for someone that would be as good for me as she was, as perfect in their beauty and love, as she was, and found - no one. Now that I am 44, my search is over. Life passed me by.
I'd gladly toss the rest of this life, if it would bring her back. Of course, it didnt when I did that in 1996. I have no purpose in life and no chance now of obtaining purpose at this late stage in life. So now, where do I go from here? I am a walking zombie now, dead on the inside. Aside from a few brief good moments with my friends kids, or in the classroom (just 1 day out of 7), life is a waste to me. Not even my photorgaphy brings me joy anymore aside from a few brief moments.
I wish Christine still gave a shit about me. She was the only one in my entire life that truly did, of her caliber. She was the most perfect woman i have ever known. I wish she'd come back into my life, for the few short years I have left in this lifge before I expire, to show me she cares. becuase I've loved 15 years without a word from her, and it kills me still, to this very day, to know that She used to care about me, and she loved me, more than anyone I have known my entire life. Her loss was the greatest disaster I have known. Even worse than losing my doctorate degree, was losing Christine. Although I know she doesnt care, My love endures, and grows, if only becuase, there has been no one as perfect a match as she was.
So for me, the dream has come and gone. Theres no recovery now. I just hope she learns soon of how much she meant to me. let her contact me again, soon, so my life reamining wont be a futile as the past 15 years have been to me...