The Life missed out on

Recently, an old friend of mine, from 25 years ago or so, caught up with me over the web. She and I had hit it off so to speak when we were in school, long ago. Time passed, and we went our separate ways, as often has been the case in my life over time.

That said, she found me last year, and we have renewed a friendship from long ago. She has 2 great daughters, and she is going through a separation. Though I am not interested in pursuing a relationship other than friends, we do a lot together, and go places with her and her kids (now 13 and 21) often. As great as it may seem, it actually has caused me to feel even worse about life than I had.

This past April, was my 40 something birthday. As always, when i have a birthday, i view them as a time to assess my life so far. And in doing so, I have realized just how much life i missed out on.

When Christine C decided in 1994, that she no longer cared about me, and turned down my blatant marriage proposal to her, so long in coming, my life ended on the inside for me. Here she was, the most beautiful (well, until Jennifer in 1997!), and most loving woman, and most playful woman I have ever known in my entire life. She satisfied my every need, and was like a surrogate wife to me all those years from 1986 through 1994, the only years i knew her (much to my despair). In fact, we used to joke quite often and teased each other for years, prior to my falling in love with her, too late in her life to marry me. I had really hoped she would someday marry me, or at the least, have kids with me, before I turned 30, and I was absolutely serious about that part of our playful encounters.

Anyway, by 1993, i knew i wanted to spend my life with her. i would go to see her anytime i could, just to be in her presence, and to see her smile, hold her soft loving hands, and make her coo and purr, like i used to do, whenever i loved her. She was the best i have known, even now, no one has been as soft, loving, shapely, beautiful, loving, or as playful as she was. We were meant for each other, i was sure. So, imagine my surprise, when she told me she didnt care about me that way, and i had to leave, when i finally put into words on paper, in 1994, of just exactly how i felt about her. I left balling, and drove like 120 miles per hour, crying all the way home, to a future i no longer wanted. For I had just blown the only love I had known. Little did I know back in 1994, that though i would be with many women since losing Christine, that none, NONE, would do for me what she did in all the years i knew and loved her.

Well, the heartache was devastating to me. I died on the inside, and went from job to job (15 in that time frame alone), not caring about life, myself, or anyone else. I could bear no more pain, when within 2 years (1996), I chose to no longer wake up, if you know what I mean. Two years was too many years without her love, without a life worth living.

For some reason, i woke up the next day. My first thought was of her, then consciousness dawned upon me, and i realized my attempt had been futile. Where do I go from here?

Fast forward to today, some 15 years after losing Christine. Years 3-10 weren’t too bad to deal with, after all, when I decided to no longer be in this world, i guess those were fairly insignificant years on a personal level, though I did start a new teaching career, and almost finished my doctoral degree, before dropping out, and nearly married Gina, whom had 3 wonderful children out in Oregon. However, all the women whom could have kids with me, like Jenny, Lauren, Dana, and so on, were not interested in me, or I had somehow blew it with them before it got to the level it had with Christine. So, i survived, until this year.

For some reason, the 15th year without her has hit me as hard as 1996 was for me. I feel the same now as then, even though I have a decent job, good students, and even have a home. To truly understand this, one needs to see just what sparked this saddness this, of all years.

Being 44 now, sucks. Too old for the 25-33 crowd I have loved my entire life. My entire life, as an adult, has been spent with women in that age bracket, until the past 2 years. The problem with 40+ year old women, is that they dont want to start a new family, chances are they are just in the process of graduating their own kids. The past few women i have gone out had adult kids, which makes me feel awful about my empty wasted life. The women i wanted to marry when i was 20, 25, 27, 28, 32, 37 and so on, all were young enough to have more kids, or had none and could have kids in the future. Now, the only women I can pick up are old like me, all whom live a life as a parent of kids, from birth to adulthood. And me, with no kids, no wife, no family, missed out on all that life. Aside from my job, the past 10 years as a college professor, (and a brief stint as a middle school teacher too), my life has been completely empty.

Now that i have some friends that i have connected with, it shows me how much life i truly missed as a parent with the women i wanted to have kids with back in the 1980s or 1990s. Life passed me by. And the more plays i go to, or concerts, or dinners with my friend and her kids, the more fun I have, the worse I end up feeling in the long run. because I don’t have that of my own. I soooooo wanted to marry and have kids with Christine, or Jenny, or Trisha, or Kelly, or some blonde chick from 1988, etc, etc, etc. And yet, it didn’t happen. None of those women i wanted to be with gave a shit about me other than to go out with me a few times (or not). Only Jenny gave me a chance to be with her, if you know what i mean, but i blew it with her before we took it to the next level. Aside from Gina, whom couldn’t have kids, and D, whom didn’t want kids, there’s been no real chance of having my own set of kids.

I used to have so much fun with Christine, unlike nearly anyone else since losing her. Though I have fun with Gina’s kids, i bonded more with them than her in the short time i was with them. Gee, the one kid even started calling me dad. That still brings tears to my eyes occasionally. I never played with anyone as much as I did Christine. For years, we were like grown kids, playing games with each other, having so much fun, and love, holding hands and making out, until love got in the way, and destroyed what i valued more than anything else on earth.

And so i close this meditation, with the lasting memory of her love and the good times we had. Juxtaposed with the good times from 1986 – 1994, are the totally empty years of 1995-now. Although i get to experience second hand some of what i missed out on with my friends and their kids, my personal life, on a deeply personal level (not professionally), was a waste of time and talent. I had so much love to give, to both my wife and my kids. And yet, none of those that i wanted to, took me up on the offer of marriage, or, those i considered marriage with, i blew or left. So, my life has been empty of love, empty of happiness, and empty of meaning on a personal level. I feel as bad as i did in 1996. It is preciously because i no longer am 27 years old, with a future worth living as a potential husband and father. No, it is because I am now 44, not having had the opportunity to marry and have kids with whom i wanted to back when i was young enough and in good enough health to have started my own family. Now, i feel old, am too old to marry those i want to, and even if i were to somehow miraculously get back with those i love deeply, they too are now in their late 30s or early to mid 40s also, and they don’t want kids, or they are looking for a grandpa to their kid’s- kids. So, as I contemplate what it means to be 44, I look back on life, and think — wow, what was the best part of life? Well, aside from my job, the very best part of life, was my every second i spent with Christine. Aside from a few brief moments with Gina and her kids, and my friend’s kids now, as far as what was the best times of my life, period, they were with Christine. I miss and treasure her in her entirety. And so now I cry all the time, for months on end now, nearly every day, as I think of how 15 years of life, could have been worth something, had she married me, stayed my lover, or at least stayed my best friend on earth. And i do wish, we had had kids together, even if she didn’t marry me, i wish some life had come from our relationship, a symbol of her love for me that she used to have, until she told me she didn’t care about me any more.

So, i wonder to myself, if the very woman i was meant for hasn’t thought of me, or cared about me all these years, why should I care about me either? If she was the only reason for being, and she has been gone all these years, how long can i go on myself? I do feel like 1996, if only because of the life i should have had. I still, to this day, wonder why I woke up all those years ago. It hurts so much, to know she doesn’t care, when she used to love to be atop of me. Had I not shown up to satisfy my needs for her love the day she told me to stay home, maybe we’d still be together holding hands, and making out. The hardest thing of all, is that in that one day, I blew it, and she took her love from me and booted me out the door. I blew it with her. Knowing that i didn’t have to go over that day, i could have waited, yet i didn’t, means it was my fault that she said good bye. And with that kind of pain, I only lasted 2 years – til 1996, when i said goodbye to this world. Is 2009 1996 all over again? Only time will tell. But given the enormity of what I lost, all these 15 years of love, family, wife, kids, friends, etc. I so hate myself for blowing it with her. I so hope she reads this soon.

Christine Collins and Jenny with me always