The Dream is Over without a Wife, Career, Kids, and Home

Well, in a new blog posting, I guess I'll pine about how the American Dream is over for me. I wonder how many others across the country feel the same about the dream.. is it over for us? Will America recover from this depression we are in?
For me, my dream died the day Christine Collins tossed me out the door, in 1994. With that, ended my dreams of family, of a beautiful soft loving wife, of having my own kids with her. And now, its been 15 years since the day she tossed me out the door, and to this very day, no one has done for me what she did, no one has been there for me all these lonely shit years. It used to be, whenever i was feeling down, I could pop on over to her apartment, and she would cheer me up. Whether it was cuddling on the couch, holding hands, playing games, or making out, she was there for me, all those years, as my best friend and eventually my want to be bride. I have known no one in my entire life before or since that gave a shit about me that was a gorgeous as her, soft as her, shapely as her, as loving as her, as playful as her, as carign as her, and so on and so on. She met all my needs in a woman, unlike everyone before or since. She was the closest i have come to having as a wife. In fact, i viewed her as a kind of surrogate wife, and would have been happy had she filled that role forever. we used to kid, that if I had no children by the time I was 30, her and I would have one together and she would be a surrogate mom. What she didnt know, was I wasnt joking, i really was hoping that by the time I turned 30, we'd be married together and have kids on the way. The chemistry we had was unprecedented in my life time. No one has had that chemistry that we had together. I miss her very much, not just her body, which was perfect, but her very soul as well. I died on the inside when she said goodbye.
it wasnt even 2 years later, after going into the hospital, that i gave up on life, and decided it was not worth living without her in 1996. For some reason, I woke up, was given a chance at a new life. My first thought was of her, when i woke up by the way.
Well, i was given a new career, and a new life, but have searched in vain, and dismal regret, that no one has filled me like she did. Though i have had sex with quite a few women since her, and have come close to marrying out in Oregon, and wanted to marry Jenny too, none of them really bonded with me like she did. And so, now that all that time has gone by, and I am now 44, it is too late to start a family. My life 's dreams, are over. Christine has been gone all these years, - theres been no attempt by me or her to contact each other. I'm so afraid of another life ending rejection, that I am too skiddish to contact her. I really would toss this life again, were she to blow me off again. So, i leave this message to her, with the hope that at least she finds out that I never stopped loving her, and that my only dream and hope was to have spent my life with her, as husband and wife, and to have had a few kids together.
So, with that part of my dream now dead, my mantra of "wife, career, kids, and home," the big 4 dreams of my life, are completely dead to me, an impossible dream now.
For one, I simply do not find women in their 40s attractive (Well, OK, aside from Helen Hunt, whom is awesome!). All the women I have been with my entire life, have all been in their 20s until recently. Its only been since I turned 40, that I;ve gone out with the 40 crowd, and frankly, they are too old to start a family with. They are either too old to breed, going through menopause, or looking for someone to be a grandpa to their kids kids. Shit, I want to start my own family, not be the instant father to some kids whom themsevlves would be in their teens or 20s. No, given I died when I was in my 20s, and I continue to constantly think of Jenny, Christine, and so on the way they were when they were in their 20s, I have imprinted on that age group. yeah, I'm old now, and feel it in my back, my neck, my knees, and so on, I still see myself mentally as 27, the day i was when Christine tossed me out the door. to me, Christine and Jenny are ageless, never growing old, staying the same beauty they were in the 1990s, to this very day. So, although I still am looking to start a family, that means looking at some one in their 20s to low 30s, that concept has died too. Now that I am 44, I cant pick up chicks like i used to anymore. So, my chances of finding an age appropriate (20-35 year old women) woman is zero, becuase none of them see past my age. So, that too solidifies the deathnail that this life has become... not only has the only women of my life gone all these years, its impossible now for me to find anyone as good as them. So, no point in looking anymore. Life is over for me.
So I ask myself, what am I doing here? Surely, i wasnt given 15 years of life to still bne single, and to not have had any of my own kids. And yet, without that life and kids, I feel that at this point in life, that its useless and pointless to go on. All i ever wanted was a wife, career, kids and home. How many of us out there, want this simple dream? To me, that is the dream, and its dead to me. So why go on? Whats the point to this life anymore? I never had a chance at having a purpose in life - that of being a husband and father. And so, now that that time of possible opportunity has come and gone, what is keeping me going today?
No, for me my version of the dream has died. It ended in 1994, the day Christine tossed me out of her life, and ended mine. I've spent 15 years searching for someone that would be as good for me as she was, as perfect in their beauty and love, as she was, and found - no one. Now that I am 44, my search is over. Life passed me by.
I'd gladly toss the rest of this life, if it would bring her back. Of course, it didnt when I did that in 1996. I have no purpose in life and no chance now of obtaining purpose at this late stage in life. So now, where do I go from here? I am a walking zombie now, dead on the inside. Aside from a few brief good moments with my friends kids, or in the classroom (just 1 day out of 7), life is a waste to me. Not even my photorgaphy brings me joy anymore aside from a few brief moments.
I wish Christine still gave a shit about me. She was the only one in my entire life that truly did, of her caliber. She was the most perfect woman i have ever known. I wish she'd come back into my life, for the few short years I have left in this lifge before I expire, to show me she cares. becuase I've loved 15 years without a word from her, and it kills me still, to this very day, to know that She used to care about me, and she loved me, more than anyone I have known my entire life. Her loss was the greatest disaster I have known. Even worse than losing my doctorate degree, was losing Christine. Although I know she doesnt care, My love endures, and grows, if only becuase, there has been no one as perfect a match as she was.
So for me, the dream has come and gone. Theres no recovery now. I just hope she learns soon of how much she meant to me. let her contact me again, soon, so my life reamining wont be a futile as the past 15 years have been to me...

Archives May 26 2009 can't bear to be without Christine's love

26 May 2008

Well, time keeps on ticking by, with no relief in sight. After losing Christine in 1994, I died. I truly did. Aside from my job, I haven't had a reason for living since the day I lost her love for me. To this day, there has be no one like her that I loved that loved me. Though I'm in love with other women too, only Christine was the best. And to this day, she was the only chance I have had at having kids with. None of the other women that wanted to marry me, could have kids. Only Jennifer and Lauren were elligible and available for having kids with. So, its been 14 years now. Her birthday is coming up in a few months. If somehow, some way, she could find out, that I never ever stopped loving her, that i love her more then my life means to me, and that i miss her with all my soul, i could be happy again. I still dream of her, her kisses, her atop me, and her awesomeness. Her soft skin was irresistable to me, and i loved cuddling on the couch, holding hands, and making out.

I don't ever expect to see her until in the afterlife. I blew it with her, that day, when i told her i wanted to spend my life with her. And with that, she threw me out the door, having gone too far I guess. And in her absence, i grow weak and weary of life.

i have a great job, but it no longer makes me happy enough. as my class schedule has been cut, and my doctoral degree dead, and my full time professorship gone, i no longer feel rewarded in life. having just gone through bankruptcy too, i feel like this life has been a waste. were it not for my job, the loss of Christine is too great to go on.

i am now getting older, and what really mattered in life, was whom i got to know, and whom i loved, and was loved by. And i discovered, as i knew the day i proposed to her, how much her love meant, still means, to me. Without her love, my own family, my own kids, my purpose in life has not been fulfilled, its empty, shallow.

Her love for me, ended the day she tossed me out the door. I havent heard from or seen her since then. I miss her much, and wish she knew, somehow, my love is as strong for her now, as it was then. i would still marry her, this day, if she ever were to love me again. but that is a foolish dream, a dream that will be unrealized until i see her again, someday, somewhere, after i leave this world, for here, she doesnt care about me at all. her last words to me, in 1994, were, she couldnt care about me anymore......after telling her that losing her kills me. well, it did, in 1995, i went into the hospital, and in 1996, decided to wake up no more.

i can only hope now, that somehow, someway, she learns my love never died. i dont expect anything from her, though i've always wondered if i had gotten her pregnant. some years later, i asked a longtime former friend about her (her hubby), and he said no, she didnt have a kid. now, i wish she had ... becuase, at least then, there'd be something left to remind me of her love for me, long gone now, only in my memories does her love exist. i still to this day, carry her picture in my wallet.

so, i get older, and look back upon my life, and wonder. if someone asked me what was the best part of my life? I would answer, Christine L Collins by far. From the 1st time she held my hand in the 1980s, to the last time we made out in 1994, she remains to this day, the only long term relationship i've had, except for in my mind (lauren and Jennifer too). For years, she served me as kind of a pseudo wife. Though she was married to someone else the whole time, anytime i needed some love, she satisfied my needs for comfort, love, and caring. she was the most playful, caring, loving, beautiful, and soft, shapely woman I have been with. her friendship crossed all bounds, and had i had my werewithall, and knowledge of just how awesome she was to me, i would have married her from teh beginning, instead of taking 7-8 years to finally want to marry her. by then it was too late.

well, i miss her, and i so desperately want her to know i still love her. i miss her kiss, her playful hands, and tickling her feet. she was 1 in a billion, and my perfect match for all time. i can only hope, she finds this message in a bottle, thrown into the ocean of the internet. I love you Christine still to this very day

Archives- March 5, 2008 - Where to from here without Christine Collins and my PhD?

5 March 2008

Well, its been a while since I wrote, so thought I'd take some time and put down some words on paper. The delay in writing has many reasons, mostly that I have much to say, but no way to put into words how I feel about this life.

Well, I'm about 1 month from my next birthday. I suppose another year older beats the alternative, as opposed to being dead. But then, were I dead, I would be with Jesus, and Christine, and my relatives, and my wife and kids that I missed out on having this term.

Well, I suppose if I have the where-with-all to do so, I plan on writing tonight about a variety of things:

Life

Election

Finances

School

Continued Doctoral studies

Post bachelaureate certification

car troubles

lack of wife and kids still

Well, in no particular order, lets begin with my favorite thing to complain about in this life, no wife and kids. Every night I sleep alone, makes me miss Christine Collins with ever greater sense of loss. Every morning I wake up alone, makes me miss her too. She was everything to me, and was like a surrogate wife for me. Had that option been available to me, back in the 1990s, to have had her as a kind of fill in make believe wife, that would be there for me as a wife, every once in a while on a regular basis, I would have jumped at the chance to have her like that. And yet, it was not in the cards. And theres been really no one like her, except for Jenni, from mid 1990s, at least as far as her awesome beauty and awesome softness and awesome shape and awesomeness altogether. I've only known one women in my entire life, that I got along with as well as I did her, or whom had the same teasing attitude and playfulness that Christine did. It breaks my heart ever single night and morning that no one like her, has given me love. I finally wrote my epithet – entitled a “letter to Christine.” In a way, its my final words, for unless someone comes along like her and marries me and starts a family with me, which I find problematic and no longer possible given my chronological age and a lack of suitable child bearing age appropriate women, I can truly say nothing greater in life, then my last words of undying love for her. As if to prove my last thoughts will be of her, unless someone rescues me in this life, my first words when I woke up in Traverse city, my 1^st thought, was of her, hugging me and holding me dearly. I've left a package in my safe, for her to be sent to her, upon my untimely death, if it happens before I get married to some else. I have saved every single photograph of her, and even of her son that I had, as well as my card I gave her the day she threw me out the door. And then theres the letter itself, addressed to her specifically alone, above all else in the package. I still cry on a weekly basis I suppose, over losing her, now in its 14^th year gone by. Even as tremendous a blow as losing my doctorate degree out in Oregon was, pales in comparison to losing Christine, for I didnt just lose her, I lost out on the company of 3 people – her, Cliff, and their son. So, to this day, I miss her much, and want so desperately for her to know that I have never stopped loving her, that in fact, as I've gotten older, my love has grown, as no one has stepped forth to fill that emptiness, that darkness, that lack of life deep inside me. I ache for her to know I never stopped loving her, that She means my entire life to me. In fact, the memories of her, are the best memories of my entire life, and yet, they make me so sad, when I contemplate just what might have been, had I not been so needy of her love and attention. But then, she was so good at it, so loving, so tender, and yet so good to me, all those years. Were I to change one thing in my life, it would be having married and had kids with her, or, at least, not blown it with her, and still being loved by her, and all the extra curricular activities that entails.

With respect to school, I should hear from U D soon, if I get accepted there for the fall 2009 term. I'm looking forward to getting back to school, and would love to take classes again, and get more grounding. My time at FSU, taught me some valuable lessons, that I don;'t have all the answers, and that I need much more grounding in educational theory. The more I reflect upon that last term there, aside from the huge financial burden it was until I got my back pay and mileage, was that I came away thinking the students didnt really learn much from me they already did'nt know. Judging from the few anonymous responses I got to the post assess survey, students remarked they did not learn much there. So, that really bummed me out, and made the whole experience there a sad one for me. Still, I am very grateful for the opportunity presented, to observe in the elementary classroom, real interaction and real lessons taught authentically. I came away with a new found idea of what it takes to be called “a natural” in the classroom, as several of the students seemed completely at ease and had fun during my observations of them. It was a great experience for me to have had the opportunity to collaborate with Dr. (name edited) on rubrics, assignments, and scheduling. Plus, her letting me stay over made it not so much of a burden for me to be waking up at 4 am for my 2 hour commute. I do think I brought some new ideas to the classroom, such as the newsletter idea. Given they were seniors, it seemed like the right thing to do to get them interested in participating towards a final project of sorts, and reflection of their time spent in the real world elementary setting.

Things this term, are off and running. I can't believe it is March already. I have 2 sections of physical geography this term, one a morning class and one an afternoon course. I just gave the two classes an exam, with mostly identical questions. And yet, my morning exam had a much less then average raw score, as compared to the afternoon class, which had a raw score of 81-82%. I am still struggling to figure out what went wrong with the 1^st class's exam,. As opposed to the second course. I've spoke with others, and they suggest things like its a 9 am class, etc, etc, etc. I don't buy into that approach much myself. I've taught 9 am courses at EMU and other places, and not had such a wide gap between two of the same section course. No, theres got to be some underlying issue I haven't put my finger on yet. Attendance was potentially an issue, with people taking the exam whom had only been to 1 or 2 classes this entire term. And yet, could my delivery of the material be that different between the 1^st and second classes? I can't see that being the deciding factor. I keep all the notes up from the 1^st class to the second class, and show the same movies, the same power points, and the same lecture. I am really surprised as to how little these two tests correlated with each other. I am still searching for what has to be a multitude of reasons.

Right now, I have a very light schedule, working only 1 day per week, with only 2 courses this term. Not happy about that one bit, I have always said I need 4 classes minimum to be viable, and as I have no intention of giving up teaching, will stick it out to the bitter end or to the pot o gold at the end of the rainbow. I am always looking for part time work, in areas I know something about, but this economy sucks and there are no decent jobs in the positions I see myself as being experienced or able to do. There have been some geology jobs, but they have been full time, and my teaching will always come first. I learned the hard way back in 1995, that school and my teaching job, will always have priority over anything else. But, were there to be a position that fits my schedule, I'm there and available for work here and now, should it be something I am good at doing.

Part of me understands why I needed to have only a few courses last term, and this term, because its related to my bankruptcy. But then, if I had the appropriate class load, I would not have had to fucking go bankrupt in the 1^st place, I would have been able to afford my bills, including my hybrid car. Of course, had I not been forced to leave ND, I would have made 50 grand this year teaching elementary methods or secondary methods courses there. Having left Michigan now twice in the past 4 years to go to school and to be full time, there is not as much opportunity here as there once was to get part time teaching positions here. So, that being the case, I am ready to move on, and get out of dodge one final time, as I pursue my doctoral studies elsewhere, or if lucky, receive a full time offer somewhere out west. I've done a lot of thought, inside, about the need for the doctorate, and the need also concurrent with that to get my certification. The question of late, has been, what should the license be in, and what endorsed areas? Should I stick with my love of the excitement and challenge of elementary teaching, or, pursue the secondary education experience, in a field that I would be highly qualified to teach, like earth science? I really enjoyed working with the kids through my outreach, and had a blast seeing the fun during my observations. I still recall, when that one kid cut out the heart, and wrote on it, “to my friend,” and I went to my car and it brought tears of joy to my eyes. And yet, do I really want to teach all subjects in a common classroom? I suck at math, and i'd be quite uncomfortable teaching so far outside my pedagogical subject content knowledge base. Were I able to teach at middle school ,i think might be a better fit, for there I can compartmentalize into earth and space science, without perhaps needing to learn chemistry and biology and physics too. I could probably teach elementary integrated science, but certainly not secondary. And I would dread taking college credits in those classes again. So, not sure what to do about that. It has become apparent that more teacher education positions require not just the doctorate, but actual classroom time as well, which means some form of cert and some form of time on task, so to speak. So, I feel lost again, unsure of how to proceed that suits my expertise and my needs the most, while doing the most good to the system as a whole. I've thought about a dual enrollment in both a post bachelaurette program as well as the doctoral studies in higher education, educational studies, and diversity and learning. Given the background of a science education program I worked on, I wonder if any classes or credits would even transfer, or not. And I wonder how to finance the thing, given my huge debt.

This reminds me, of another reason, the timing for the bankruptcy may have been right. For me to qualify for the most in loans, would require me to make the least money, as well as the bankruptcy would clear me of my bills. So, it seems to me to be a reasonable thing not to buy a new car at this time, and get back into debt all over again, after having just gone through the process of clearing my debts, which are slowly clearing up. Being a student again, how the heck I am supposed to afford bills plus rent plus car payment? It doesnt add up, so going bankrupt before going back to school makes the most sense. In a way, I see the plan now, it still leads me back to the doctorate degree I so desperately need to complete this time. I might have to take a break from working, this time, while I complete the degree, much as that will cause me pain to not be in the classroom. Still, the ends justify the means so to speak, and I plan on completing the degree this time. Of course, I planed on completing the previous degree attempt too. Had I not been so very depressed, and on no medication, I would have been able to ride out the storm of losing the financial aide, and blowing it with Gina, and I'd have my degree by now. Of course, without a wife, my daily sadness is great, as it was in Oregon. And at the age I am now, it seems research has shown that people in my age group are the unhappiest they are in life. So, that makes me trepidacious. Having blown it once already, even over something like a B-, which was and to this day still is a shock, I can't let myself blow it again. So we'll see just how good I am while I've got the chance to do it. Theres so much work to do, and so much research i'd like to do, with respect to pre-service teachers and adjuncts, that I really look forward to going and doing this.

In the meantime, though I still fell like I am a car out of gas, that I have outlived my usefullness. Adjunct work has really gotten me down, because of the low pay and not enough classes. Plus, this is my 25^th year of working, my 1^st job was in 1982. I need to think about how the heck am I going to retire, where will I end up in the fall, where will I end up after graduating, what will I write, what will my discourses on educational theory themselves be.

Archives - February 1 2008 - Is Life without Christine Over?

God I miss Christine Lynn C. Still, its been 14 years, and theres been no one like her. And now, I'm old, too old for the women of the right age to have kids (20-35 year olds). those chicks dont seem interested in me anymore, they just see my age, and turn away, not knowing that I'm still mentally 28, which is how old I was when Christine Lynn tossed me out the door, and my life as I knew it, full of love from her, was over. I have a personal ad up, but none of the chicks I email write me, they just say I'm too old. Only chicks in their 40s and up have been checking me out online, which truly is a sign that my life is over.

I was supposed to be a dad, to my own kids, and a great husband to my loving wife. And yet, Christine, Jennifer, Lauren didnt take me up on my offers of marriage. In fact, the very day I told Christine I wanted to spend my life with her, she booted me out, and that was that. Now, my life is a ruined empty landscape, devoid of what matters most in life, which is family. I see my students having kids, and I am so jealous of them, for they have lived more life than i have, even though I am twice their age (on average perhaps). Life has passed me by, without providing my needs of family and friends. No, this life is over for me I feel, without the needed wife and kids to grow old with and help nurture and grow. For I am an incomplete human being, without being a father and a husband to the women I adore and love to this very day.

Now, seems the only chicks that are interested are those that are themselves barren, looking for life as grandparents, not willing, unable, or too old to have kids anymore. And so this chapter of life closes. I have so much hatred of self, for not marrying the women i wanted to back in the 1980s or 1990s. Be it Christine, Trisha, Jennifer, Lauren, Kelly, or others, this life is en empty shell and a waste of time without them and without our kids that we should have had together.

Were I to change one thing in my life, it would not be walking away from the PhD, though that led directly to my recent bankruptcy, no, I would change one thing most of all.... marrying Christine, Jennifer, or Lauren and starting a family with them.

Now it seems its too late.... none of the chicks of suitable age, even look at my ad any longer........ life passed me by.

Archives - 1-17-2008 Life Blows without Christine Holding me

well, time keeps on ticking. Each day not in the classroom, and without a wife and kids, makes me sadder and sadder, each passing day. I truly miss Christine, and as time goes on, my love for her grows. Each day no one like her loves me, no one as soft, as beautiful, as loving, as playful, as fantastic as she was inside, out, and on top or on the bottom (!), my sense of loss grows. It grows every day. I miss Lauren and Jennifer too, but they didnt love me like Christine did. See, the hardest part of all, is that she did love me, and we were such great friends, and yet, we really were lovers to some extent from the beginning. We held hands, and she had such warm, soft, playful hands, that i still miss holding. We'd held hands for years. All the while, her hubby, also one of my best friends, kept asking me if I wanted her. Well, she wanted me, and dreamt of me often, I was told. It wasnt until we started huggiing each other, that i began to realize, that here in my arms is a woman that really loves me. The day i greeted her at the door, and she hugged me, and kissed me, and continued to hold me, even when some stranger came to the door, she still held me, was the day i knew love for the first time.

I've been with lots of chicks since then. But they were all short term, not long term like she was. None matched her beauty, softness, and ability to marry and have kids with, which made her unique. Now, the only women i have loved since her that loved me, couldnt have kids, and that makes me sad. So, yeah, life is over. Every day that goes by now, makes me sad, for its another year without love, without a wife, without my own kids, etc.

It breaks my heart to know most of all, that she loved me, and no longer does. Because I ruined it with her, by showing up when she tol me not to, by being too needy of her love, and asking her to marry me. I still have the poem i wrote her, that last day. I spoke about her soft ness, her love, her touch, her caress, her taste, and her "coos", which no one else makes. Her love for me was special, and i will take that love with me, to the day i die. I miss her love, very much. I seek love of that kind with someone else, but, to no luck so far. Had Lauren and Jennifer loved me like she did, we'd be married now too. Had Gina or D been able to have kids, maybe we'd be married too. Gina had kids that were so awesome, one even called me dad. Wow, that brought tears to my eyes and still does. But I havent heard from Christine since the day she tossed me out the door, and told me goodbye.

As my life plummets into bankruptcy, and limited classes, with little prospect of life, love, or family, i year for the good times with her. As my life is shit now, my love for her grows. God I miss her love. God I miss her love. :(

My life is in ruins now. Since losing the PhD, by dropping out, my life has gone downhill. I no longer have a love for life. I no longer love life. i no longer have a reason for being. I miss love, more then anything else.

Still, there are some bright spots in life. I have my classes, which is the only thing that saved my life. After trying giving up on life back in the 1990s, only God has brought me alive again. I know there is a plan for me, and that someday I'll get my PhD, and someday I'll be full time. But, without a wife and my own kids, there is no life worthwhile.

i'm very depressed now.

and yet, my photography is better then ever. i have some decent equipment now to taker pictures with

Archives - January 6 2008 - State of Life

Hello. Tomorrow is the beginning of the Winter term, at one of my 2, maybe 3 schools. As always, I'm excited about the new term, and look forward to creating a learning opportunity. I have spent today mostly prepping for this 1st week. I revised my intro video, my why geosciences power point, and the syllabus. I also created a new syllabus for my school that starts in 1.5 weeks, next Thursday, at KCC. Should be a good term. I also have a chance to teach at CMU some teachers prep geoscience courses, something I am looking forward to as well. In the meantime, I have also begun a research project taking some of my doctoral research a step further, and seeing if K-12 texts match the state of michigan GLCEs. I hope they do, and the research requires analyzing the table of contents and comparing them to what the guidelines call for. @ texts have already been aligned to the GLCEs, I've found out since commencing my research last week. I plan on obtaining more chapter summaries as time progresses. The eventual intent is to publish the results in MESTA as well as on ERIC. I need to start publishing and getting some of my scholarly ideas into print, for comment elsewhere. I have some ideas I am developing with respect to pre-service teacher preparation programs, but need more grounding before I can continue. That's why I have applied to an PhD program in Colorado for the fall term. I'm hoping top get accepted, and to prove better then i did at OSU that I am worthy of the degree. I still hold a lot of self hate, for not finishing the PhD out in OSU, and for leaving, and for failing to perform up to my extremely high standards. to end up with a 3.53 was a disappointment, and the B- I earned in the theoretical framework course really depressed me, and sapped my morale to continue on at OSU. One of the worst mistakes of my life, ruined my life, not finishing the PhD, for it left me without respect at TMCC by the dept head, and directly contributed to my bankruptcy. I hope 2008 is a better year for me then 2007 was. There is so much to write about, and yet, here in this public forum, it necessarily has to be sanitized. Even letters to my dad, don't express how sad and depressed I am, for he shouldn't need to worry about me. Once the term begins, I hope I'll be happy again. Since losing my professorial position in ND, i have lost my love of life. Not only did I lose my love of life, but I still have yet to recover from losing the love of my Life, Christine L C. God, I still miss her much. I think of her every day, and how special she was to me, how much love she gave me, which to this day, some 14 years after losing her in February 1994, have yet to recover. There is much self hate, for blowing it with her. Yeah, I know, that's very sad to think about it, but now that I am 40 now, with no prospect of getting a wife to marry and have kids with me because they dont want me for being too old, no, this life is over. Still, i continue to slog on, going about my job, which saved my life some years ago. In a way, teaching has provided me with a family of sorts, which meets some of my needs, and in return, i hopefully can change lives for the better, and make life better for them through earning a good education, and making a difference in someone's life themselves. I'm a big believer in service learning, and want my students to care about others less fortunate than them. its why we need change in this country, be it republican or democratic, i plan on voting for change this coming fall presidential election. Someone that cares about the little guy, about the price of gas, about job security, about how bad it is to buy foreign goods. We need a protectionist government, one that protects what businesses are here left. I feel, its time for a new economic system, to replace capitalism, not socialist, but my own concept, economics of freedom and free choice. anyway, as you can see, theres a lot to write about here. Feel free to comment if you are my friend. I wanted to say thanks to Christine, and Jennifer and Lauren and Kelly and Carrie for loving me. If I could be married to them, I'd be there now, as their husband and father to our kids. God I miss Christine L C, and I wish she had married me, or at least met my needs as she did every single day she was with me. of all the memories i have,i cherish my time with her most of all.

The Life missed out on

Recently, an old friend of mine, from 25 years ago or so, caught up with me over the web. She and I had hit it off so to speak when we were in school, long ago. Time passed, and we went our separate ways, as often has been the case in my life over time.

That said, she found me last year, and we have renewed a friendship from long ago. She has 2 great daughters, and she is going through a separation. Though I am not interested in pursuing a relationship other than friends, we do a lot together, and go places with her and her kids (now 13 and 21) often. As great as it may seem, it actually has caused me to feel even worse about life than I had.

This past April, was my 40 something birthday. As always, when i have a birthday, i view them as a time to assess my life so far. And in doing so, I have realized just how much life i missed out on.

When Christine C decided in 1994, that she no longer cared about me, and turned down my blatant marriage proposal to her, so long in coming, my life ended on the inside for me. Here she was, the most beautiful (well, until Jennifer in 1997!), and most loving woman, and most playful woman I have ever known in my entire life. She satisfied my every need, and was like a surrogate wife to me all those years from 1986 through 1994, the only years i knew her (much to my despair). In fact, we used to joke quite often and teased each other for years, prior to my falling in love with her, too late in her life to marry me. I had really hoped she would someday marry me, or at the least, have kids with me, before I turned 30, and I was absolutely serious about that part of our playful encounters.

Anyway, by 1993, i knew i wanted to spend my life with her. i would go to see her anytime i could, just to be in her presence, and to see her smile, hold her soft loving hands, and make her coo and purr, like i used to do, whenever i loved her. She was the best i have known, even now, no one has been as soft, loving, shapely, beautiful, loving, or as playful as she was. We were meant for each other, i was sure. So, imagine my surprise, when she told me she didnt care about me that way, and i had to leave, when i finally put into words on paper, in 1994, of just exactly how i felt about her. I left balling, and drove like 120 miles per hour, crying all the way home, to a future i no longer wanted. For I had just blown the only love I had known. Little did I know back in 1994, that though i would be with many women since losing Christine, that none, NONE, would do for me what she did in all the years i knew and loved her.

Well, the heartache was devastating to me. I died on the inside, and went from job to job (15 in that time frame alone), not caring about life, myself, or anyone else. I could bear no more pain, when within 2 years (1996), I chose to no longer wake up, if you know what I mean. Two years was too many years without her love, without a life worth living.

For some reason, i woke up the next day. My first thought was of her, then consciousness dawned upon me, and i realized my attempt had been futile. Where do I go from here?

Fast forward to today, some 15 years after losing Christine. Years 3-10 weren’t too bad to deal with, after all, when I decided to no longer be in this world, i guess those were fairly insignificant years on a personal level, though I did start a new teaching career, and almost finished my doctoral degree, before dropping out, and nearly married Gina, whom had 3 wonderful children out in Oregon. However, all the women whom could have kids with me, like Jenny, Lauren, Dana, and so on, were not interested in me, or I had somehow blew it with them before it got to the level it had with Christine. So, i survived, until this year.

For some reason, the 15th year without her has hit me as hard as 1996 was for me. I feel the same now as then, even though I have a decent job, good students, and even have a home. To truly understand this, one needs to see just what sparked this saddness this, of all years.

Being 44 now, sucks. Too old for the 25-33 crowd I have loved my entire life. My entire life, as an adult, has been spent with women in that age bracket, until the past 2 years. The problem with 40+ year old women, is that they dont want to start a new family, chances are they are just in the process of graduating their own kids. The past few women i have gone out had adult kids, which makes me feel awful about my empty wasted life. The women i wanted to marry when i was 20, 25, 27, 28, 32, 37 and so on, all were young enough to have more kids, or had none and could have kids in the future. Now, the only women I can pick up are old like me, all whom live a life as a parent of kids, from birth to adulthood. And me, with no kids, no wife, no family, missed out on all that life. Aside from my job, the past 10 years as a college professor, (and a brief stint as a middle school teacher too), my life has been completely empty.

Now that i have some friends that i have connected with, it shows me how much life i truly missed as a parent with the women i wanted to have kids with back in the 1980s or 1990s. Life passed me by. And the more plays i go to, or concerts, or dinners with my friend and her kids, the more fun I have, the worse I end up feeling in the long run. because I don’t have that of my own. I soooooo wanted to marry and have kids with Christine, or Jenny, or Trisha, or Kelly, or some blonde chick from 1988, etc, etc, etc. And yet, it didn’t happen. None of those women i wanted to be with gave a shit about me other than to go out with me a few times (or not). Only Jenny gave me a chance to be with her, if you know what i mean, but i blew it with her before we took it to the next level. Aside from Gina, whom couldn’t have kids, and D, whom didn’t want kids, there’s been no real chance of having my own set of kids.

I used to have so much fun with Christine, unlike nearly anyone else since losing her. Though I have fun with Gina’s kids, i bonded more with them than her in the short time i was with them. Gee, the one kid even started calling me dad. That still brings tears to my eyes occasionally. I never played with anyone as much as I did Christine. For years, we were like grown kids, playing games with each other, having so much fun, and love, holding hands and making out, until love got in the way, and destroyed what i valued more than anything else on earth.

And so i close this meditation, with the lasting memory of her love and the good times we had. Juxtaposed with the good times from 1986 – 1994, are the totally empty years of 1995-now. Although i get to experience second hand some of what i missed out on with my friends and their kids, my personal life, on a deeply personal level (not professionally), was a waste of time and talent. I had so much love to give, to both my wife and my kids. And yet, none of those that i wanted to, took me up on the offer of marriage, or, those i considered marriage with, i blew or left. So, my life has been empty of love, empty of happiness, and empty of meaning on a personal level. I feel as bad as i did in 1996. It is preciously because i no longer am 27 years old, with a future worth living as a potential husband and father. No, it is because I am now 44, not having had the opportunity to marry and have kids with whom i wanted to back when i was young enough and in good enough health to have started my own family. Now, i feel old, am too old to marry those i want to, and even if i were to somehow miraculously get back with those i love deeply, they too are now in their late 30s or early to mid 40s also, and they don’t want kids, or they are looking for a grandpa to their kid’s- kids. So, as I contemplate what it means to be 44, I look back on life, and think — wow, what was the best part of life? Well, aside from my job, the very best part of life, was my every second i spent with Christine. Aside from a few brief moments with Gina and her kids, and my friend’s kids now, as far as what was the best times of my life, period, they were with Christine. I miss and treasure her in her entirety. And so now I cry all the time, for months on end now, nearly every day, as I think of how 15 years of life, could have been worth something, had she married me, stayed my lover, or at least stayed my best friend on earth. And i do wish, we had had kids together, even if she didn’t marry me, i wish some life had come from our relationship, a symbol of her love for me that she used to have, until she told me she didn’t care about me any more.

So, i wonder to myself, if the very woman i was meant for hasn’t thought of me, or cared about me all these years, why should I care about me either? If she was the only reason for being, and she has been gone all these years, how long can i go on myself? I do feel like 1996, if only because of the life i should have had. I still, to this day, wonder why I woke up all those years ago. It hurts so much, to know she doesn’t care, when she used to love to be atop of me. Had I not shown up to satisfy my needs for her love the day she told me to stay home, maybe we’d still be together holding hands, and making out. The hardest thing of all, is that in that one day, I blew it, and she took her love from me and booted me out the door. I blew it with her. Knowing that i didn’t have to go over that day, i could have waited, yet i didn’t, means it was my fault that she said good bye. And with that kind of pain, I only lasted 2 years – til 1996, when i said goodbye to this world. Is 2009 1996 all over again? Only time will tell. But given the enormity of what I lost, all these 15 years of love, family, wife, kids, friends, etc. I so hate myself for blowing it with her. I so hope she reads this soon.

Christine Collins and Jenny with me always

Ode to Christine L Collins

She’s gone

For years I knew her love

Holding hands

Kissing quickly

Later passionately

Going out to eat

Or staying in

On the couch

Her love for me was great

Mine for her was complete

I put a ring on her finger

The closest I’ve got to proposing

She didn’t say no

She didn’t say yes

I still recall with gladness

Her reply

“(Will you ever let me go….?”)”

So we made love

More than once

And for a while

I thought we’d be parents

To be her husband

Was all I wanted

To be a dad

Was something

I’d hoped she provide

For seven years or so

I knew her

Loved her every time

I saw her smile

She was better each time

That I saw her

We played together

At 27

I was hooked

On her kisses

Her love

To be hers forever

Was my intention

I dreamt of our life together

And couldn’t stand to be apart from her

For so many years

She could have me

As she too dreamt

We teased each other

Day and night

For years and years

Till we finally acted

On our primal urges

My love for her

Meant more then life itself

I was meant for her

And to be hers

Was all I wanted

Then one day

We had a date

I was so excited

It was that special day

When couples proclaim their love

For each other

And so I bought

Some champagne

And some cards

and wrote on it

my very thoughts

of being with her

was my desire

in my letter

I spelled it all out

I wanted a life with her

And was finally ready

To make it so with her

But she did a turn about

And threw me out

It was cold

And I left my gloves there

Telling her just how

Bad her declining of my offer

Killed me so

So I went out

And headed home

Crying all the way

Not caring

If I made it home or not

Two days later

It was over

She had called

To tell me

She couldn’t see me any longer

And could not care about me

No more

Those words tore through me

And tore me in half

And I wept

And on the inside

Died

It wouldn’t be long

Not even two short years later

That I had enough of life

I couldn’t stand to be

Without her love

And so I decide

In ‘96

I’d had enough

And ended this life

To escape the pain

Undying

Of knowing her kiss

And her love

She used to have for me

And that in one day

She took back

And so to my surprise

I woke up to life

The very next morning

My first waking thought

Was of Christine

Her hug of me I felt

And I cried

I had not died

After all

But inside

I might as well have been so

For life to me

Was no life worth living

Still

My new found life

Was a gift

A second chance at life

Or so I thought

A new career would soon spring forth

To be a professor was my choice

Of course

I gave my 1st lecture

In ‘86

I should not have had to wait

Til ’01 to give my next

Such a waste of time and talent

Would be a recurring thought

So now my birthday

My 44th in this life

And my thoughts turn once more

To my past loves

e

Its been now 15 years since she tossed me out the door

When I look back on my time of this life

She was the best part

My relationship with her

Lasted longer than all the rest combined

Except for Lauren and Jennifer

Whom have been within me long term

Whom I adore

And yet

I look back

And see nothing but waste land

Aside from my job

Which I’ve self destructed on many times

Still til this day

Over losing her love

It still kills me

To this very day

To be without her love

I think of the past 15 years

I could have spent with her

Whether as her lover

Husband

Or father to our children

Its all I wanted out of life

And now that I’m 44

What a waste life has been

To have come so close

When ‘I was 28

To marrying and having kids of my own

Every night she isn’t beside me

Every morning without her voice or kisses

Makes every day

Sad for me

So now its been 15 long painful years

I still cry over losing her

Still do

To be with her

Is all I wish

She was the best part of life

To have gone so long without her

Whats so hard to bear

Theres been no one like her

She was all I lived for

And my love for her

Has gotten stronger

Now that I have lived so much life

Alone

Without a wife and family of my own

It just goes to show

Just how special she was

Inside and out

And the worst thing of all

Is she loved me very much

Enough to give of herself

Til I showed up

And ruined the very thing

I lived life for

Knowing that I am to blame

That had I not shown up

It would have lasted longer

And whom knows

We might even had had a child

To love me for years

And in an instant no more

And worse of all

Is not only did I lose her love

All those years ago

She hasn’t cared one shit for me

Since the very day

She tossed me out the door

Where the day before

She had love

That day

She had none

And so as another birthday comes once more

I’ve spent my entire 30s

And early 40s alone

Without my wife and kids

So much life

Wasted

what might have been

So much potential we had

We never fought or fight

We only had fun, laughter, love, and life together

And in a moment

All because I stopped on by

Her love for me died

For to have had such love

That was taken away

And so much time

Gone by

Would she even know

Does she think of me at all

Does she remember the good times

I think of them all the time

And it makes me cry – every day now, and even nights

For I could have had

The past 15 years

With her

Making memories of love, joy, and family fun

I’ve heard nothing from her since

Its been 15 years of heartache

so now that my birthday has come and gone

I’m sad to the bone

to be still alone

and theres been no one

like her

in all my life

before or since

that held her passion

playful

and relaxing

my love for her still endures

unlike hers

who took her love from me in an instant

now that i am 44

its too late to start a family

my life was squandered without her

those 15 years

i could have had

as a husband and a father

its all i wanted

now its no bother

because i am now too old

so all i have is my work

my job

my career

and my love of photography

but my birthday wish

was for her to see my list

and read my ode to her

so she finally knows

my love for her endures