Archives - December 28 2007 - Life worthless without Christine L Collins

28 December 2007

well, this year has nearly come to a close. I have had a bad year, having left my full time professorship, losing my hybrid, and filing for bankruptcy. Not to mention, I continue to be turned down by all the women I have been hitting on as late. Seems, as I have no come to realize, that my life is over. I had plenty of opportunity to marry and have kids when I was younger, but now that I am 42, my life has passed me by. All the women of child bearing age, all are turning me down, because I am too (expletive deleted) old. Though my mental age, which has been stuck at 28, since I lost Christine L Collins, is no where near my physical age, my chronological age has caught up with me. Life truly passed me by. The most telling part that really depressed the shit out of me, and ruined this year (aside for me filing bankruptcy and losing my full time position), was while dating Denise, finding out she was interested in me to be a grandpa to her grandkids, and not to be a father, which is what motivates me for relationships. It was a huge disconnect, that led to our breaking up. I have yet to have any kids, and now that I’m old, realized I missed the best part of life… that of being a father. This I knew from the time of Christine. I was ready to be a dad with her, and just as much a dad as with Jennifer too. And yet, though I really identify my role to be a father, it alluded me because I kept blowing it with the women I loved. So, now that 14 years have passed since losing my greatest and in reality only real hope of having kids and marrying somone, I.e Christine L, I no longer have the opportunity I used to have when younger. The last true chance I had at being a dad was with Jennifer. All the women I have gone out with since then, with the exception of KC and Ariel, could not have kids – I.e Gina and Denise. So, I wasted my life. I truly did, as I have realized now, that with the enormity of passing time, there simply has been no one like Christine that gave a shit about me enough to go out with me and be my lover. The few women I have made love to since then, couldnt have kids. So, I hate this life. Not only is not having kids bad enough, but without my Ph.D, I am sunk and back to doing adjunct work, which directly resulted in my filing bankruptcy. So, I view the fallout of not getting the ABD or PhD as absolutely responsible for the way I was treated by the Department Head at TMCC, as well as my filing bankruptcy. Cause and effect you see.
So, where do I go from here? I could have had my wife and my own kids in my 20s. Along with a PhD by 1991, I should have married Christine when I had the chance to in the mid 1980s. Probably the biggest mistake in my life that I consciously did, was not going out with her and dating her, even though we were doing things like couples did so to speak. I was so out of it back then, so stupid back then, I was thinking of Trish and Michelle, and didn’t like the fact that Christine smoked, (even though later, she tasted pretty damn fine after smoking a cigarette before we started making out!). And if I had my shit together scholastically, I would have gone on to grad school in the 1980s, and been teaching for my 22nd year or so. Think of the tenure and retirement I’d have!
I hate myself very much, for blowing the opportunity Christine presented to me, as well as Kelly and Jennifer and Lauren too. And I blew it with Christine not just once, but twice, for by the time I did become deeply involved and emotionally attached to her, it was too late, and I became too needy for her.
So, to this day, the last day I knew love, was Valentines Day 1994, a date that ruined my life. I have yet to recover from it, even now, some 14 year later, I still cry over losing my one true love of my life. Not one women of appropriate age bearing capacity has done for me what Christine did. No one as perfect personality wise, or a gorgeous as her sexyness has been mine since losing her either. Which makes her loss, seem so very great. With each passing day of nothingness and lifelessness, without a girlfriend or a lover like her, that could eventually mate with me, I hate this life and myself more. Each passing day alone, makes me miss her more. Each night alone, makes me miss her legs, and kisses, and her soft sexy silky beautiful skin. She was the best thing that happened to me, in my entire life, aside from my teaching career. And I miss her so much. I’d die to be with her again. Let her know, that to this very day, my love for her is stronger than ever, and my sense of loss, harder and harder to bear. I didnt want to be w/o her then, nor now.