Archives May 26 2009 can't bear to be without Christine's love

26 May 2008

Well, time keeps on ticking by, with no relief in sight. After losing Christine in 1994, I died. I truly did. Aside from my job, I haven't had a reason for living since the day I lost her love for me. To this day, there has be no one like her that I loved that loved me. Though I'm in love with other women too, only Christine was the best. And to this day, she was the only chance I have had at having kids with. None of the other women that wanted to marry me, could have kids. Only Jennifer and Lauren were elligible and available for having kids with. So, its been 14 years now. Her birthday is coming up in a few months. If somehow, some way, she could find out, that I never ever stopped loving her, that i love her more then my life means to me, and that i miss her with all my soul, i could be happy again. I still dream of her, her kisses, her atop me, and her awesomeness. Her soft skin was irresistable to me, and i loved cuddling on the couch, holding hands, and making out.

I don't ever expect to see her until in the afterlife. I blew it with her, that day, when i told her i wanted to spend my life with her. And with that, she threw me out the door, having gone too far I guess. And in her absence, i grow weak and weary of life.

i have a great job, but it no longer makes me happy enough. as my class schedule has been cut, and my doctoral degree dead, and my full time professorship gone, i no longer feel rewarded in life. having just gone through bankruptcy too, i feel like this life has been a waste. were it not for my job, the loss of Christine is too great to go on.

i am now getting older, and what really mattered in life, was whom i got to know, and whom i loved, and was loved by. And i discovered, as i knew the day i proposed to her, how much her love meant, still means, to me. Without her love, my own family, my own kids, my purpose in life has not been fulfilled, its empty, shallow.

Her love for me, ended the day she tossed me out the door. I havent heard from or seen her since then. I miss her much, and wish she knew, somehow, my love is as strong for her now, as it was then. i would still marry her, this day, if she ever were to love me again. but that is a foolish dream, a dream that will be unrealized until i see her again, someday, somewhere, after i leave this world, for here, she doesnt care about me at all. her last words to me, in 1994, were, she couldnt care about me anymore......after telling her that losing her kills me. well, it did, in 1995, i went into the hospital, and in 1996, decided to wake up no more.

i can only hope now, that somehow, someway, she learns my love never died. i dont expect anything from her, though i've always wondered if i had gotten her pregnant. some years later, i asked a longtime former friend about her (her hubby), and he said no, she didnt have a kid. now, i wish she had ... becuase, at least then, there'd be something left to remind me of her love for me, long gone now, only in my memories does her love exist. i still to this day, carry her picture in my wallet.

so, i get older, and look back upon my life, and wonder. if someone asked me what was the best part of my life? I would answer, Christine L Collins by far. From the 1st time she held my hand in the 1980s, to the last time we made out in 1994, she remains to this day, the only long term relationship i've had, except for in my mind (lauren and Jennifer too). For years, she served me as kind of a pseudo wife. Though she was married to someone else the whole time, anytime i needed some love, she satisfied my needs for comfort, love, and caring. she was the most playful, caring, loving, beautiful, and soft, shapely woman I have been with. her friendship crossed all bounds, and had i had my werewithall, and knowledge of just how awesome she was to me, i would have married her from teh beginning, instead of taking 7-8 years to finally want to marry her. by then it was too late.

well, i miss her, and i so desperately want her to know i still love her. i miss her kiss, her playful hands, and tickling her feet. she was 1 in a billion, and my perfect match for all time. i can only hope, she finds this message in a bottle, thrown into the ocean of the internet. I love you Christine still to this very day