The Official United Nations Bill or Rights (1948)

On December 10, 1948 the General Assembly of the United Nations adopted and proclaimed the Universal Declaration of Human Rights the full text of which appears in the following pages. Following this historic act the Assembly called upon all Member countries to publicize the text of the Declaration and "to cause it to be disseminated, displayed, read and expounded principally in schools and other educational institutions, without distinction based on the political status of countries or territories."

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PREAMBLE

Whereas recognition of the inherent dignity and of the equal and inalienable rights of all members of the human family is the foundation of freedom, justice and peace in the world,

Whereas disregard and contempt for human rights have resulted in barbarous acts which have outraged the conscience of mankind, and the advent of a world in which human beings shall enjoy freedom of speech and belief and freedom from fear and want has been proclaimed as the highest aspiration of the common people,

Whereas it is essential, if man is not to be compelled to have recourse, as a last resort, to rebellion against tyranny and oppression, that human rights should be protected by the rule of law,

Whereas it is essential to promote the development of friendly relations between nations,

Whereas the peoples of the United Nations have in the Charter reaffirmed their faith in fundamental human rights, in the dignity and worth of the human person and in the equal rights of men and women and have determined to promote social progress and better standards of life in larger freedom,

Whereas Member States have pledged themselves to achieve, in co-operation with the United Nations, the promotion of universal respect for and observance of human rights and fundamental freedoms,

Whereas a common understanding of these rights and freedoms is of the greatest importance for the full realization of this pledge,

Now, Therefore THE GENERAL ASSEMBLY proclaims THIS UNIVERSAL DECLARATION OF HUMAN RIGHTS as a common standard of achievement for all peoples and all nations, to the end that every individual and every organ of society, keeping this Declaration constantly in mind, shall strive by teaching and education to promote respect for these rights and freedoms and by progressive measures, national and international, to secure their universal and effective recognition and observance, both among the peoples of Member States themselves and among the peoples of territories under their jurisdiction.

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Article 1.

• All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights.They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood.

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Article 2.

• Everyone is entitled to all the rights and freedoms set forth in this Declaration, without distinction of any kind, such as race, colour, sex, language, religion, political or other opinion, national or social origin, property, birth or other status. Furthermore, no distinction shall be made on the basis of the political, jurisdictional or international status of the country or territory to which a person belongs, whether it be independent, trust, non-self-governing or under any other limitation of sovereignty.

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Article 3.

• Everyone has the right to life, liberty and security of person.

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Article 4.

• No one shall be held in slavery or servitude; slavery and the slave trade shall be prohibited in all their forms.

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Article 5.

• No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.

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Article 6.

• Everyone has the right to recognition everywhere as a person before the law.

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Article 7.

• All are equal before the law and are entitled without any discrimination to equal protection of the law. All are entitled to equal protection against any discrimination in violation of this Declaration and against any incitement to such discrimination.

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Article 8.

• Everyone has the right to an effective remedy by the competent national tribunals for acts violating the fundamental rights granted him by the constitution or by law.

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Article 9.

• No one shall be subjected to arbitrary arrest, detention or exile.

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Article 10.

• Everyone is entitled in full equality to a fair and public hearing by an independent and impartial tribunal, in the determination of his rights and obligations and of any criminal charge against him.

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Article 11.

• (1) Everyone charged with a penal offence has the right to be presumed innocent until proved guilty according to law in a public trial at which he has had all the guarantees necessary for his defence.
• (2) No one shall be held guilty of any penal offence on account of any act or omission which did not constitute a penal offence, under national or international law, at the time when it was committed. Nor shall a heavier penalty be imposed than the one that was applicable at the time the penal offence was committed.

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Article 12.

• No one shall be subjected to arbitrary interference with his privacy, family, home or correspondence, nor to attacks upon his honour and reputation. Everyone has the right to the protection of the law against such interference or attacks.

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Article 13.

• (1) Everyone has the right to freedom of movement and residence within the borders of each state.
• (2) Everyone has the right to leave any country, including his own, and to return to his country.

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Article 14.

• (1) Everyone has the right to seek and to enjoy in other countries asylum from persecution.
• (2) This right may not be invoked in the case of prosecutions genuinely arising from non-political crimes or from acts contrary to the purposes and principles of the United Nations.

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Article 15.

• (1) Everyone has the right to a nationality.
• (2) No one shall be arbitrarily deprived of his nationality nor denied the right to change his nationality.

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Article 16.

• (1) Men and women of full age, without any limitation due to race, nationality or religion, have the right to marry and to found a family. They are entitled to equal rights as to marriage, during marriage and at its dissolution.
• (2) Marriage shall be entered into only with the free and full consent of the intending spouses.
• (3) The family is the natural and fundamental group unit of society and is entitled to protection by society and the State.

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Article 17.

• (1) Everyone has the right to own property alone as well as in association with others.
• (2) No one shall be arbitrarily deprived of his property.

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Article 18.

• Everyone has the right to freedom of thought, conscience and religion; this right includes freedom to change his religion or belief, and freedom, either alone or in community with others and in public or private, to manifest his religion or belief in teaching, practice, worship and observance.

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Article 19.

• Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression; this right includes freedom to hold opinions without interference and to seek, receive and impart information and ideas through any media and regardless of frontiers.

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Article 20.

• (1) Everyone has the right to freedom of peaceful assembly and association.
• (2) No one may be compelled to belong to an association.

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Article 21.

• (1) Everyone has the right to take part in the government of his country, directly or through freely chosen representatives.
• (2) Everyone has the right of equal access to public service in his country.
• (3) The will of the people shall be the basis of the authority of government; this will shall be expressed in periodic and genuine elections which shall be by universal and equal suffrage and shall be held by secret vote or by equivalent free voting procedures.

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Article 22.

• Everyone, as a member of society, has the right to social security and is entitled to realization, through national effort and international co-operation and in accordance with the organization and resources of each State, of the economic, social and cultural rights indispensable for his dignity and the free development of his personality.

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Article 23.

• (1) Everyone has the right to work, to free choice of employment, to just and favourable conditions of work and to protection against unemployment.
• (2) Everyone, without any discrimination, has the right to equal pay for equal work.
• (3) Everyone who works has the right to just and favourable remuneration ensuring for himself and his family an existence worthy of human dignity, and supplemented, if necessary, by other means of social protection.
• (4) Everyone has the right to form and to join trade unions for the protection of his interests.

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Article 24.

• Everyone has the right to rest and leisure, including reasonable limitation of working hours and periodic holidays with pay.

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Article 25.

• (1) Everyone has the right to a standard of living adequate for the health and well-being of himself and of his family, including food, clothing, housing and medical care and necessary social services, and the right to security in the event of unemployment, sickness, disability, widowhood, old age or other lack of livelihood in circumstances beyond his control.
• (2) Motherhood and childhood are entitled to special care and assistance. All children, whether born in or out of wedlock, shall enjoy the same social protection.

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Article 26.

• (1) Everyone has the right to education. Education shall be free, at least in the elementary and fundamental stages. Elementary education shall be compulsory. Technical and professional education shall be made generally available and higher education shall be equally accessible to all on the basis of merit.
• (2) Education shall be directed to the full development of the human personality and to the strengthening of respect for human rights and fundamental freedoms. It shall promote understanding, tolerance and friendship among all nations, racial or religious groups, and shall further the activities of the United Nations for the maintenance of peace.
• (3) Parents have a prior right to choose the kind of education that shall be given to their children.

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Article 27.

• (1) Everyone has the right freely to participate in the cultural life of the community, to enjoy the arts and to share in scientific advancement and its benefits.
• (2) Everyone has the right to the protection of the moral and material interests resulting from any scientific, literary or artistic production of which he is the author.

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Article 28.

• Everyone is entitled to a social and international order in which the rights and freedoms set forth in this Declaration can be fully realized.

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Article 29.

• (1) Everyone has duties to the community in which alone the free and full development of his personality is possible.
• (2) In the exercise of his rights and freedoms, everyone shall be subject only to such limitations as are determined by law solely for the purpose of securing due recognition and respect for the rights and freedoms of others and of meeting the just requirements of morality, public order and the general welfare in a democratic society.
• (3) These rights and freedoms may in no case be exercised contrary to the purposes and principles of the United Nations.

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Article 30.

• Nothing in this Declaration may be interpreted as implying for any State, group or person any right to engage in any activity or to perform any act aimed at the destruction of any of the rights and freedoms set forth herein.

Life without Whom I want

Well, life just keeps going, passing me by. Although I’ve been with a ton of women over the years, and i would love to have married quite a few of them and had kids with them, if things had worked out, I really only have been in love with four women in my entire life. Christine, Jenny (I have no clue of her last name), Lauren L, and Suzie. Of these 4 women, I only had the chance to have a decent relationship with Christine and Suzie, both of who are or were my friends. In fact, for me, I’ve had a habit of turning my girlfriends into “friends with benefits” in the past, and that suits my personality best. For me, I’m looking for a woman that I can play with, have fun with, and yet have a sexual relationship with as well. of the four women I love, only Christine gave me that Opportunity. Suzie maintains firm friend bounds, and Jenny I blew it with at her college graduation party some dozen years ago. Lauren was the only one that I really felt connected to Prior to trying to start a relationship with. Yet she turned me down, even though I had already planned on how I was going to propose to her. Of the 4 women I truly love with every ounce of my soul, only Christine and I took it to the next level so to speak. Of the 4 women, only Suzie gives a crap about me any longer – having lost Christine 14 years ago when she threw me out the door, Jenny the night of her graduation party, Lauren the last day I saw her at school about 1/2 a decade ago.
Recently I had a chance to reconnect with some of them, and yet, seems that Lauren wants nothing to do with me. Considering she is in my top 4 women of all time, and certainly likely number 2 or 3 on the sexyness factor, crushes me again. So, each day of life that goes by without the very women I want most, kills me inside a little more and more each passing wasted day.

Archives - December 28 2007 - Life worthless without Christine L Collins

28 December 2007

well, this year has nearly come to a close. I have had a bad year, having left my full time professorship, losing my hybrid, and filing for bankruptcy. Not to mention, I continue to be turned down by all the women I have been hitting on as late. Seems, as I have no come to realize, that my life is over. I had plenty of opportunity to marry and have kids when I was younger, but now that I am 42, my life has passed me by. All the women of child bearing age, all are turning me down, because I am too (expletive deleted) old. Though my mental age, which has been stuck at 28, since I lost Christine L Collins, is no where near my physical age, my chronological age has caught up with me. Life truly passed me by. The most telling part that really depressed the shit out of me, and ruined this year (aside for me filing bankruptcy and losing my full time position), was while dating Denise, finding out she was interested in me to be a grandpa to her grandkids, and not to be a father, which is what motivates me for relationships. It was a huge disconnect, that led to our breaking up. I have yet to have any kids, and now that I’m old, realized I missed the best part of life… that of being a father. This I knew from the time of Christine. I was ready to be a dad with her, and just as much a dad as with Jennifer too. And yet, though I really identify my role to be a father, it alluded me because I kept blowing it with the women I loved. So, now that 14 years have passed since losing my greatest and in reality only real hope of having kids and marrying somone, I.e Christine L, I no longer have the opportunity I used to have when younger. The last true chance I had at being a dad was with Jennifer. All the women I have gone out with since then, with the exception of KC and Ariel, could not have kids – I.e Gina and Denise. So, I wasted my life. I truly did, as I have realized now, that with the enormity of passing time, there simply has been no one like Christine that gave a shit about me enough to go out with me and be my lover. The few women I have made love to since then, couldnt have kids. So, I hate this life. Not only is not having kids bad enough, but without my Ph.D, I am sunk and back to doing adjunct work, which directly resulted in my filing bankruptcy. So, I view the fallout of not getting the ABD or PhD as absolutely responsible for the way I was treated by the Department Head at TMCC, as well as my filing bankruptcy. Cause and effect you see.
So, where do I go from here? I could have had my wife and my own kids in my 20s. Along with a PhD by 1991, I should have married Christine when I had the chance to in the mid 1980s. Probably the biggest mistake in my life that I consciously did, was not going out with her and dating her, even though we were doing things like couples did so to speak. I was so out of it back then, so stupid back then, I was thinking of Trish and Michelle, and didn’t like the fact that Christine smoked, (even though later, she tasted pretty damn fine after smoking a cigarette before we started making out!). And if I had my shit together scholastically, I would have gone on to grad school in the 1980s, and been teaching for my 22nd year or so. Think of the tenure and retirement I’d have!
I hate myself very much, for blowing the opportunity Christine presented to me, as well as Kelly and Jennifer and Lauren too. And I blew it with Christine not just once, but twice, for by the time I did become deeply involved and emotionally attached to her, it was too late, and I became too needy for her.
So, to this day, the last day I knew love, was Valentines Day 1994, a date that ruined my life. I have yet to recover from it, even now, some 14 year later, I still cry over losing my one true love of my life. Not one women of appropriate age bearing capacity has done for me what Christine did. No one as perfect personality wise, or a gorgeous as her sexyness has been mine since losing her either. Which makes her loss, seem so very great. With each passing day of nothingness and lifelessness, without a girlfriend or a lover like her, that could eventually mate with me, I hate this life and myself more. Each passing day alone, makes me miss her more. Each night alone, makes me miss her legs, and kisses, and her soft sexy silky beautiful skin. She was the best thing that happened to me, in my entire life, aside from my teaching career. And I miss her so much. I’d die to be with her again. Let her know, that to this very day, my love for her is stronger than ever, and my sense of loss, harder and harder to bear. I didnt want to be w/o her then, nor now.

The Dream is Over without a Wife, Career, Kids, and Home

Well, in a new blog posting, I guess I'll pine about how the American Dream is over for me. I wonder how many others across the country feel the same about the dream.. is it over for us? Will America recover from this depression we are in?
For me, my dream died the day Christine Collins tossed me out the door, in 1994. With that, ended my dreams of family, of a beautiful soft loving wife, of having my own kids with her. And now, its been 15 years since the day she tossed me out the door, and to this very day, no one has done for me what she did, no one has been there for me all these lonely shit years. It used to be, whenever i was feeling down, I could pop on over to her apartment, and she would cheer me up. Whether it was cuddling on the couch, holding hands, playing games, or making out, she was there for me, all those years, as my best friend and eventually my want to be bride. I have known no one in my entire life before or since that gave a shit about me that was a gorgeous as her, soft as her, shapely as her, as loving as her, as playful as her, as carign as her, and so on and so on. She met all my needs in a woman, unlike everyone before or since. She was the closest i have come to having as a wife. In fact, i viewed her as a kind of surrogate wife, and would have been happy had she filled that role forever. we used to kid, that if I had no children by the time I was 30, her and I would have one together and she would be a surrogate mom. What she didnt know, was I wasnt joking, i really was hoping that by the time I turned 30, we'd be married together and have kids on the way. The chemistry we had was unprecedented in my life time. No one has had that chemistry that we had together. I miss her very much, not just her body, which was perfect, but her very soul as well. I died on the inside when she said goodbye.
it wasnt even 2 years later, after going into the hospital, that i gave up on life, and decided it was not worth living without her in 1996. For some reason, I woke up, was given a chance at a new life. My first thought was of her, when i woke up by the way.
Well, i was given a new career, and a new life, but have searched in vain, and dismal regret, that no one has filled me like she did. Though i have had sex with quite a few women since her, and have come close to marrying out in Oregon, and wanted to marry Jenny too, none of them really bonded with me like she did. And so, now that all that time has gone by, and I am now 44, it is too late to start a family. My life 's dreams, are over. Christine has been gone all these years, - theres been no attempt by me or her to contact each other. I'm so afraid of another life ending rejection, that I am too skiddish to contact her. I really would toss this life again, were she to blow me off again. So, i leave this message to her, with the hope that at least she finds out that I never stopped loving her, and that my only dream and hope was to have spent my life with her, as husband and wife, and to have had a few kids together.
So, with that part of my dream now dead, my mantra of "wife, career, kids, and home," the big 4 dreams of my life, are completely dead to me, an impossible dream now.
For one, I simply do not find women in their 40s attractive (Well, OK, aside from Helen Hunt, whom is awesome!). All the women I have been with my entire life, have all been in their 20s until recently. Its only been since I turned 40, that I;ve gone out with the 40 crowd, and frankly, they are too old to start a family with. They are either too old to breed, going through menopause, or looking for someone to be a grandpa to their kids kids. Shit, I want to start my own family, not be the instant father to some kids whom themsevlves would be in their teens or 20s. No, given I died when I was in my 20s, and I continue to constantly think of Jenny, Christine, and so on the way they were when they were in their 20s, I have imprinted on that age group. yeah, I'm old now, and feel it in my back, my neck, my knees, and so on, I still see myself mentally as 27, the day i was when Christine tossed me out the door. to me, Christine and Jenny are ageless, never growing old, staying the same beauty they were in the 1990s, to this very day. So, although I still am looking to start a family, that means looking at some one in their 20s to low 30s, that concept has died too. Now that I am 44, I cant pick up chicks like i used to anymore. So, my chances of finding an age appropriate (20-35 year old women) woman is zero, becuase none of them see past my age. So, that too solidifies the deathnail that this life has become... not only has the only women of my life gone all these years, its impossible now for me to find anyone as good as them. So, no point in looking anymore. Life is over for me.
So I ask myself, what am I doing here? Surely, i wasnt given 15 years of life to still bne single, and to not have had any of my own kids. And yet, without that life and kids, I feel that at this point in life, that its useless and pointless to go on. All i ever wanted was a wife, career, kids and home. How many of us out there, want this simple dream? To me, that is the dream, and its dead to me. So why go on? Whats the point to this life anymore? I never had a chance at having a purpose in life - that of being a husband and father. And so, now that that time of possible opportunity has come and gone, what is keeping me going today?
No, for me my version of the dream has died. It ended in 1994, the day Christine tossed me out of her life, and ended mine. I've spent 15 years searching for someone that would be as good for me as she was, as perfect in their beauty and love, as she was, and found - no one. Now that I am 44, my search is over. Life passed me by.
I'd gladly toss the rest of this life, if it would bring her back. Of course, it didnt when I did that in 1996. I have no purpose in life and no chance now of obtaining purpose at this late stage in life. So now, where do I go from here? I am a walking zombie now, dead on the inside. Aside from a few brief good moments with my friends kids, or in the classroom (just 1 day out of 7), life is a waste to me. Not even my photorgaphy brings me joy anymore aside from a few brief moments.
I wish Christine still gave a shit about me. She was the only one in my entire life that truly did, of her caliber. She was the most perfect woman i have ever known. I wish she'd come back into my life, for the few short years I have left in this lifge before I expire, to show me she cares. becuase I've loved 15 years without a word from her, and it kills me still, to this very day, to know that She used to care about me, and she loved me, more than anyone I have known my entire life. Her loss was the greatest disaster I have known. Even worse than losing my doctorate degree, was losing Christine. Although I know she doesnt care, My love endures, and grows, if only becuase, there has been no one as perfect a match as she was.
So for me, the dream has come and gone. Theres no recovery now. I just hope she learns soon of how much she meant to me. let her contact me again, soon, so my life reamining wont be a futile as the past 15 years have been to me...

Archives May 26 2009 can't bear to be without Christine's love

26 May 2008

Well, time keeps on ticking by, with no relief in sight. After losing Christine in 1994, I died. I truly did. Aside from my job, I haven't had a reason for living since the day I lost her love for me. To this day, there has be no one like her that I loved that loved me. Though I'm in love with other women too, only Christine was the best. And to this day, she was the only chance I have had at having kids with. None of the other women that wanted to marry me, could have kids. Only Jennifer and Lauren were elligible and available for having kids with. So, its been 14 years now. Her birthday is coming up in a few months. If somehow, some way, she could find out, that I never ever stopped loving her, that i love her more then my life means to me, and that i miss her with all my soul, i could be happy again. I still dream of her, her kisses, her atop me, and her awesomeness. Her soft skin was irresistable to me, and i loved cuddling on the couch, holding hands, and making out.

I don't ever expect to see her until in the afterlife. I blew it with her, that day, when i told her i wanted to spend my life with her. And with that, she threw me out the door, having gone too far I guess. And in her absence, i grow weak and weary of life.

i have a great job, but it no longer makes me happy enough. as my class schedule has been cut, and my doctoral degree dead, and my full time professorship gone, i no longer feel rewarded in life. having just gone through bankruptcy too, i feel like this life has been a waste. were it not for my job, the loss of Christine is too great to go on.

i am now getting older, and what really mattered in life, was whom i got to know, and whom i loved, and was loved by. And i discovered, as i knew the day i proposed to her, how much her love meant, still means, to me. Without her love, my own family, my own kids, my purpose in life has not been fulfilled, its empty, shallow.

Her love for me, ended the day she tossed me out the door. I havent heard from or seen her since then. I miss her much, and wish she knew, somehow, my love is as strong for her now, as it was then. i would still marry her, this day, if she ever were to love me again. but that is a foolish dream, a dream that will be unrealized until i see her again, someday, somewhere, after i leave this world, for here, she doesnt care about me at all. her last words to me, in 1994, were, she couldnt care about me anymore......after telling her that losing her kills me. well, it did, in 1995, i went into the hospital, and in 1996, decided to wake up no more.

i can only hope now, that somehow, someway, she learns my love never died. i dont expect anything from her, though i've always wondered if i had gotten her pregnant. some years later, i asked a longtime former friend about her (her hubby), and he said no, she didnt have a kid. now, i wish she had ... becuase, at least then, there'd be something left to remind me of her love for me, long gone now, only in my memories does her love exist. i still to this day, carry her picture in my wallet.

so, i get older, and look back upon my life, and wonder. if someone asked me what was the best part of my life? I would answer, Christine L Collins by far. From the 1st time she held my hand in the 1980s, to the last time we made out in 1994, she remains to this day, the only long term relationship i've had, except for in my mind (lauren and Jennifer too). For years, she served me as kind of a pseudo wife. Though she was married to someone else the whole time, anytime i needed some love, she satisfied my needs for comfort, love, and caring. she was the most playful, caring, loving, beautiful, and soft, shapely woman I have been with. her friendship crossed all bounds, and had i had my werewithall, and knowledge of just how awesome she was to me, i would have married her from teh beginning, instead of taking 7-8 years to finally want to marry her. by then it was too late.

well, i miss her, and i so desperately want her to know i still love her. i miss her kiss, her playful hands, and tickling her feet. she was 1 in a billion, and my perfect match for all time. i can only hope, she finds this message in a bottle, thrown into the ocean of the internet. I love you Christine still to this very day

Archives- March 5, 2008 - Where to from here without Christine Collins and my PhD?

5 March 2008

Well, its been a while since I wrote, so thought I'd take some time and put down some words on paper. The delay in writing has many reasons, mostly that I have much to say, but no way to put into words how I feel about this life.

Well, I'm about 1 month from my next birthday. I suppose another year older beats the alternative, as opposed to being dead. But then, were I dead, I would be with Jesus, and Christine, and my relatives, and my wife and kids that I missed out on having this term.

Well, I suppose if I have the where-with-all to do so, I plan on writing tonight about a variety of things:

Life

Election

Finances

School

Continued Doctoral studies

Post bachelaureate certification

car troubles

lack of wife and kids still

Well, in no particular order, lets begin with my favorite thing to complain about in this life, no wife and kids. Every night I sleep alone, makes me miss Christine Collins with ever greater sense of loss. Every morning I wake up alone, makes me miss her too. She was everything to me, and was like a surrogate wife for me. Had that option been available to me, back in the 1990s, to have had her as a kind of fill in make believe wife, that would be there for me as a wife, every once in a while on a regular basis, I would have jumped at the chance to have her like that. And yet, it was not in the cards. And theres been really no one like her, except for Jenni, from mid 1990s, at least as far as her awesome beauty and awesome softness and awesome shape and awesomeness altogether. I've only known one women in my entire life, that I got along with as well as I did her, or whom had the same teasing attitude and playfulness that Christine did. It breaks my heart ever single night and morning that no one like her, has given me love. I finally wrote my epithet – entitled a “letter to Christine.” In a way, its my final words, for unless someone comes along like her and marries me and starts a family with me, which I find problematic and no longer possible given my chronological age and a lack of suitable child bearing age appropriate women, I can truly say nothing greater in life, then my last words of undying love for her. As if to prove my last thoughts will be of her, unless someone rescues me in this life, my first words when I woke up in Traverse city, my 1^st thought, was of her, hugging me and holding me dearly. I've left a package in my safe, for her to be sent to her, upon my untimely death, if it happens before I get married to some else. I have saved every single photograph of her, and even of her son that I had, as well as my card I gave her the day she threw me out the door. And then theres the letter itself, addressed to her specifically alone, above all else in the package. I still cry on a weekly basis I suppose, over losing her, now in its 14^th year gone by. Even as tremendous a blow as losing my doctorate degree out in Oregon was, pales in comparison to losing Christine, for I didnt just lose her, I lost out on the company of 3 people – her, Cliff, and their son. So, to this day, I miss her much, and want so desperately for her to know that I have never stopped loving her, that in fact, as I've gotten older, my love has grown, as no one has stepped forth to fill that emptiness, that darkness, that lack of life deep inside me. I ache for her to know I never stopped loving her, that She means my entire life to me. In fact, the memories of her, are the best memories of my entire life, and yet, they make me so sad, when I contemplate just what might have been, had I not been so needy of her love and attention. But then, she was so good at it, so loving, so tender, and yet so good to me, all those years. Were I to change one thing in my life, it would be having married and had kids with her, or, at least, not blown it with her, and still being loved by her, and all the extra curricular activities that entails.

With respect to school, I should hear from U D soon, if I get accepted there for the fall 2009 term. I'm looking forward to getting back to school, and would love to take classes again, and get more grounding. My time at FSU, taught me some valuable lessons, that I don;'t have all the answers, and that I need much more grounding in educational theory. The more I reflect upon that last term there, aside from the huge financial burden it was until I got my back pay and mileage, was that I came away thinking the students didnt really learn much from me they already did'nt know. Judging from the few anonymous responses I got to the post assess survey, students remarked they did not learn much there. So, that really bummed me out, and made the whole experience there a sad one for me. Still, I am very grateful for the opportunity presented, to observe in the elementary classroom, real interaction and real lessons taught authentically. I came away with a new found idea of what it takes to be called “a natural” in the classroom, as several of the students seemed completely at ease and had fun during my observations of them. It was a great experience for me to have had the opportunity to collaborate with Dr. (name edited) on rubrics, assignments, and scheduling. Plus, her letting me stay over made it not so much of a burden for me to be waking up at 4 am for my 2 hour commute. I do think I brought some new ideas to the classroom, such as the newsletter idea. Given they were seniors, it seemed like the right thing to do to get them interested in participating towards a final project of sorts, and reflection of their time spent in the real world elementary setting.

Things this term, are off and running. I can't believe it is March already. I have 2 sections of physical geography this term, one a morning class and one an afternoon course. I just gave the two classes an exam, with mostly identical questions. And yet, my morning exam had a much less then average raw score, as compared to the afternoon class, which had a raw score of 81-82%. I am still struggling to figure out what went wrong with the 1^st class's exam,. As opposed to the second course. I've spoke with others, and they suggest things like its a 9 am class, etc, etc, etc. I don't buy into that approach much myself. I've taught 9 am courses at EMU and other places, and not had such a wide gap between two of the same section course. No, theres got to be some underlying issue I haven't put my finger on yet. Attendance was potentially an issue, with people taking the exam whom had only been to 1 or 2 classes this entire term. And yet, could my delivery of the material be that different between the 1^st and second classes? I can't see that being the deciding factor. I keep all the notes up from the 1^st class to the second class, and show the same movies, the same power points, and the same lecture. I am really surprised as to how little these two tests correlated with each other. I am still searching for what has to be a multitude of reasons.

Right now, I have a very light schedule, working only 1 day per week, with only 2 courses this term. Not happy about that one bit, I have always said I need 4 classes minimum to be viable, and as I have no intention of giving up teaching, will stick it out to the bitter end or to the pot o gold at the end of the rainbow. I am always looking for part time work, in areas I know something about, but this economy sucks and there are no decent jobs in the positions I see myself as being experienced or able to do. There have been some geology jobs, but they have been full time, and my teaching will always come first. I learned the hard way back in 1995, that school and my teaching job, will always have priority over anything else. But, were there to be a position that fits my schedule, I'm there and available for work here and now, should it be something I am good at doing.

Part of me understands why I needed to have only a few courses last term, and this term, because its related to my bankruptcy. But then, if I had the appropriate class load, I would not have had to fucking go bankrupt in the 1^st place, I would have been able to afford my bills, including my hybrid car. Of course, had I not been forced to leave ND, I would have made 50 grand this year teaching elementary methods or secondary methods courses there. Having left Michigan now twice in the past 4 years to go to school and to be full time, there is not as much opportunity here as there once was to get part time teaching positions here. So, that being the case, I am ready to move on, and get out of dodge one final time, as I pursue my doctoral studies elsewhere, or if lucky, receive a full time offer somewhere out west. I've done a lot of thought, inside, about the need for the doctorate, and the need also concurrent with that to get my certification. The question of late, has been, what should the license be in, and what endorsed areas? Should I stick with my love of the excitement and challenge of elementary teaching, or, pursue the secondary education experience, in a field that I would be highly qualified to teach, like earth science? I really enjoyed working with the kids through my outreach, and had a blast seeing the fun during my observations. I still recall, when that one kid cut out the heart, and wrote on it, “to my friend,” and I went to my car and it brought tears of joy to my eyes. And yet, do I really want to teach all subjects in a common classroom? I suck at math, and i'd be quite uncomfortable teaching so far outside my pedagogical subject content knowledge base. Were I able to teach at middle school ,i think might be a better fit, for there I can compartmentalize into earth and space science, without perhaps needing to learn chemistry and biology and physics too. I could probably teach elementary integrated science, but certainly not secondary. And I would dread taking college credits in those classes again. So, not sure what to do about that. It has become apparent that more teacher education positions require not just the doctorate, but actual classroom time as well, which means some form of cert and some form of time on task, so to speak. So, I feel lost again, unsure of how to proceed that suits my expertise and my needs the most, while doing the most good to the system as a whole. I've thought about a dual enrollment in both a post bachelaurette program as well as the doctoral studies in higher education, educational studies, and diversity and learning. Given the background of a science education program I worked on, I wonder if any classes or credits would even transfer, or not. And I wonder how to finance the thing, given my huge debt.

This reminds me, of another reason, the timing for the bankruptcy may have been right. For me to qualify for the most in loans, would require me to make the least money, as well as the bankruptcy would clear me of my bills. So, it seems to me to be a reasonable thing not to buy a new car at this time, and get back into debt all over again, after having just gone through the process of clearing my debts, which are slowly clearing up. Being a student again, how the heck I am supposed to afford bills plus rent plus car payment? It doesnt add up, so going bankrupt before going back to school makes the most sense. In a way, I see the plan now, it still leads me back to the doctorate degree I so desperately need to complete this time. I might have to take a break from working, this time, while I complete the degree, much as that will cause me pain to not be in the classroom. Still, the ends justify the means so to speak, and I plan on completing the degree this time. Of course, I planed on completing the previous degree attempt too. Had I not been so very depressed, and on no medication, I would have been able to ride out the storm of losing the financial aide, and blowing it with Gina, and I'd have my degree by now. Of course, without a wife, my daily sadness is great, as it was in Oregon. And at the age I am now, it seems research has shown that people in my age group are the unhappiest they are in life. So, that makes me trepidacious. Having blown it once already, even over something like a B-, which was and to this day still is a shock, I can't let myself blow it again. So we'll see just how good I am while I've got the chance to do it. Theres so much work to do, and so much research i'd like to do, with respect to pre-service teachers and adjuncts, that I really look forward to going and doing this.

In the meantime, though I still fell like I am a car out of gas, that I have outlived my usefullness. Adjunct work has really gotten me down, because of the low pay and not enough classes. Plus, this is my 25^th year of working, my 1^st job was in 1982. I need to think about how the heck am I going to retire, where will I end up in the fall, where will I end up after graduating, what will I write, what will my discourses on educational theory themselves be.