Ode to Christine L Collins

She’s gone

For years I knew her love

Holding hands

Kissing quickly

Later passionately

Going out to eat

Or staying in

On the couch

Her love for me was great

Mine for her was complete

I put a ring on her finger

The closest I’ve got to proposing

She didn’t say no

She didn’t say yes

I still recall with gladness

Her reply

“(Will you ever let me go….?”)”

So we made love

More than once

And for a while

I thought we’d be parents

To be her husband

Was all I wanted

To be a dad

Was something

I’d hoped she provide

For seven years or so

I knew her

Loved her every time

I saw her smile

She was better each time

That I saw her

We played together

At 27

I was hooked

On her kisses

Her love

To be hers forever

Was my intention

I dreamt of our life together

And couldn’t stand to be apart from her

For so many years

She could have me

As she too dreamt

We teased each other

Day and night

For years and years

Till we finally acted

On our primal urges

My love for her

Meant more then life itself

I was meant for her

And to be hers

Was all I wanted

Then one day

We had a date

I was so excited

It was that special day

When couples proclaim their love

For each other

And so I bought

Some champagne

And some cards

and wrote on it

my very thoughts

of being with her

was my desire

in my letter

I spelled it all out

I wanted a life with her

And was finally ready

To make it so with her

But she did a turn about

And threw me out

It was cold

And I left my gloves there

Telling her just how

Bad her declining of my offer

Killed me so

So I went out

And headed home

Crying all the way

Not caring

If I made it home or not

Two days later

It was over

She had called

To tell me

She couldn’t see me any longer

And could not care about me

No more

Those words tore through me

And tore me in half

And I wept

And on the inside

Died

It wouldn’t be long

Not even two short years later

That I had enough of life

I couldn’t stand to be

Without her love

And so I decide

In ‘96

I’d had enough

And ended this life

To escape the pain

Undying

Of knowing her kiss

And her love

She used to have for me

And that in one day

She took back

And so to my surprise

I woke up to life

The very next morning

My first waking thought

Was of Christine

Her hug of me I felt

And I cried

I had not died

After all

But inside

I might as well have been so

For life to me

Was no life worth living

Still

My new found life

Was a gift

A second chance at life

Or so I thought

A new career would soon spring forth

To be a professor was my choice

Of course

I gave my 1st lecture

In ‘86

I should not have had to wait

Til ’01 to give my next

Such a waste of time and talent

Would be a recurring thought

So now my birthday

My 44th in this life

And my thoughts turn once more

To my past loves

e

Its been now 15 years since she tossed me out the door

When I look back on my time of this life

She was the best part

My relationship with her

Lasted longer than all the rest combined

Except for Lauren and Jennifer

Whom have been within me long term

Whom I adore

And yet

I look back

And see nothing but waste land

Aside from my job

Which I’ve self destructed on many times

Still til this day

Over losing her love

It still kills me

To this very day

To be without her love

I think of the past 15 years

I could have spent with her

Whether as her lover

Husband

Or father to our children

Its all I wanted out of life

And now that I’m 44

What a waste life has been

To have come so close

When ‘I was 28

To marrying and having kids of my own

Every night she isn’t beside me

Every morning without her voice or kisses

Makes every day

Sad for me

So now its been 15 long painful years

I still cry over losing her

Still do

To be with her

Is all I wish

She was the best part of life

To have gone so long without her

Whats so hard to bear

Theres been no one like her

She was all I lived for

And my love for her

Has gotten stronger

Now that I have lived so much life

Alone

Without a wife and family of my own

It just goes to show

Just how special she was

Inside and out

And the worst thing of all

Is she loved me very much

Enough to give of herself

Til I showed up

And ruined the very thing

I lived life for

Knowing that I am to blame

That had I not shown up

It would have lasted longer

And whom knows

We might even had had a child

To love me for years

And in an instant no more

And worse of all

Is not only did I lose her love

All those years ago

She hasn’t cared one shit for me

Since the very day

She tossed me out the door

Where the day before

She had love

That day

She had none

And so as another birthday comes once more

I’ve spent my entire 30s

And early 40s alone

Without my wife and kids

So much life

Wasted

what might have been

So much potential we had

We never fought or fight

We only had fun, laughter, love, and life together

And in a moment

All because I stopped on by

Her love for me died

For to have had such love

That was taken away

And so much time

Gone by

Would she even know

Does she think of me at all

Does she remember the good times

I think of them all the time

And it makes me cry – every day now, and even nights

For I could have had

The past 15 years

With her

Making memories of love, joy, and family fun

I’ve heard nothing from her since

Its been 15 years of heartache

so now that my birthday has come and gone

I’m sad to the bone

to be still alone

and theres been no one

like her

in all my life

before or since

that held her passion

playful

and relaxing

my love for her still endures

unlike hers

who took her love from me in an instant

now that i am 44

its too late to start a family

my life was squandered without her

those 15 years

i could have had

as a husband and a father

its all i wanted

now its no bother

because i am now too old

so all i have is my work

my job

my career

and my love of photography

but my birthday wish

was for her to see my list

and read my ode to her

so she finally knows

my love for her endures