Archives- March 5, 2008 - Where to from here without Christine Collins and my PhD?

5 March 2008

Well, its been a while since I wrote, so thought I'd take some time and put down some words on paper. The delay in writing has many reasons, mostly that I have much to say, but no way to put into words how I feel about this life.

Well, I'm about 1 month from my next birthday. I suppose another year older beats the alternative, as opposed to being dead. But then, were I dead, I would be with Jesus, and Christine, and my relatives, and my wife and kids that I missed out on having this term.

Well, I suppose if I have the where-with-all to do so, I plan on writing tonight about a variety of things:

Life

Election

Finances

School

Continued Doctoral studies

Post bachelaureate certification

car troubles

lack of wife and kids still

Well, in no particular order, lets begin with my favorite thing to complain about in this life, no wife and kids. Every night I sleep alone, makes me miss Christine Collins with ever greater sense of loss. Every morning I wake up alone, makes me miss her too. She was everything to me, and was like a surrogate wife for me. Had that option been available to me, back in the 1990s, to have had her as a kind of fill in make believe wife, that would be there for me as a wife, every once in a while on a regular basis, I would have jumped at the chance to have her like that. And yet, it was not in the cards. And theres been really no one like her, except for Jenni, from mid 1990s, at least as far as her awesome beauty and awesome softness and awesome shape and awesomeness altogether. I've only known one women in my entire life, that I got along with as well as I did her, or whom had the same teasing attitude and playfulness that Christine did. It breaks my heart ever single night and morning that no one like her, has given me love. I finally wrote my epithet – entitled a “letter to Christine.” In a way, its my final words, for unless someone comes along like her and marries me and starts a family with me, which I find problematic and no longer possible given my chronological age and a lack of suitable child bearing age appropriate women, I can truly say nothing greater in life, then my last words of undying love for her. As if to prove my last thoughts will be of her, unless someone rescues me in this life, my first words when I woke up in Traverse city, my 1^st thought, was of her, hugging me and holding me dearly. I've left a package in my safe, for her to be sent to her, upon my untimely death, if it happens before I get married to some else. I have saved every single photograph of her, and even of her son that I had, as well as my card I gave her the day she threw me out the door. And then theres the letter itself, addressed to her specifically alone, above all else in the package. I still cry on a weekly basis I suppose, over losing her, now in its 14^th year gone by. Even as tremendous a blow as losing my doctorate degree out in Oregon was, pales in comparison to losing Christine, for I didnt just lose her, I lost out on the company of 3 people – her, Cliff, and their son. So, to this day, I miss her much, and want so desperately for her to know that I have never stopped loving her, that in fact, as I've gotten older, my love has grown, as no one has stepped forth to fill that emptiness, that darkness, that lack of life deep inside me. I ache for her to know I never stopped loving her, that She means my entire life to me. In fact, the memories of her, are the best memories of my entire life, and yet, they make me so sad, when I contemplate just what might have been, had I not been so needy of her love and attention. But then, she was so good at it, so loving, so tender, and yet so good to me, all those years. Were I to change one thing in my life, it would be having married and had kids with her, or, at least, not blown it with her, and still being loved by her, and all the extra curricular activities that entails.

With respect to school, I should hear from U D soon, if I get accepted there for the fall 2009 term. I'm looking forward to getting back to school, and would love to take classes again, and get more grounding. My time at FSU, taught me some valuable lessons, that I don;'t have all the answers, and that I need much more grounding in educational theory. The more I reflect upon that last term there, aside from the huge financial burden it was until I got my back pay and mileage, was that I came away thinking the students didnt really learn much from me they already did'nt know. Judging from the few anonymous responses I got to the post assess survey, students remarked they did not learn much there. So, that really bummed me out, and made the whole experience there a sad one for me. Still, I am very grateful for the opportunity presented, to observe in the elementary classroom, real interaction and real lessons taught authentically. I came away with a new found idea of what it takes to be called “a natural” in the classroom, as several of the students seemed completely at ease and had fun during my observations of them. It was a great experience for me to have had the opportunity to collaborate with Dr. (name edited) on rubrics, assignments, and scheduling. Plus, her letting me stay over made it not so much of a burden for me to be waking up at 4 am for my 2 hour commute. I do think I brought some new ideas to the classroom, such as the newsletter idea. Given they were seniors, it seemed like the right thing to do to get them interested in participating towards a final project of sorts, and reflection of their time spent in the real world elementary setting.

Things this term, are off and running. I can't believe it is March already. I have 2 sections of physical geography this term, one a morning class and one an afternoon course. I just gave the two classes an exam, with mostly identical questions. And yet, my morning exam had a much less then average raw score, as compared to the afternoon class, which had a raw score of 81-82%. I am still struggling to figure out what went wrong with the 1^st class's exam,. As opposed to the second course. I've spoke with others, and they suggest things like its a 9 am class, etc, etc, etc. I don't buy into that approach much myself. I've taught 9 am courses at EMU and other places, and not had such a wide gap between two of the same section course. No, theres got to be some underlying issue I haven't put my finger on yet. Attendance was potentially an issue, with people taking the exam whom had only been to 1 or 2 classes this entire term. And yet, could my delivery of the material be that different between the 1^st and second classes? I can't see that being the deciding factor. I keep all the notes up from the 1^st class to the second class, and show the same movies, the same power points, and the same lecture. I am really surprised as to how little these two tests correlated with each other. I am still searching for what has to be a multitude of reasons.

Right now, I have a very light schedule, working only 1 day per week, with only 2 courses this term. Not happy about that one bit, I have always said I need 4 classes minimum to be viable, and as I have no intention of giving up teaching, will stick it out to the bitter end or to the pot o gold at the end of the rainbow. I am always looking for part time work, in areas I know something about, but this economy sucks and there are no decent jobs in the positions I see myself as being experienced or able to do. There have been some geology jobs, but they have been full time, and my teaching will always come first. I learned the hard way back in 1995, that school and my teaching job, will always have priority over anything else. But, were there to be a position that fits my schedule, I'm there and available for work here and now, should it be something I am good at doing.

Part of me understands why I needed to have only a few courses last term, and this term, because its related to my bankruptcy. But then, if I had the appropriate class load, I would not have had to fucking go bankrupt in the 1^st place, I would have been able to afford my bills, including my hybrid car. Of course, had I not been forced to leave ND, I would have made 50 grand this year teaching elementary methods or secondary methods courses there. Having left Michigan now twice in the past 4 years to go to school and to be full time, there is not as much opportunity here as there once was to get part time teaching positions here. So, that being the case, I am ready to move on, and get out of dodge one final time, as I pursue my doctoral studies elsewhere, or if lucky, receive a full time offer somewhere out west. I've done a lot of thought, inside, about the need for the doctorate, and the need also concurrent with that to get my certification. The question of late, has been, what should the license be in, and what endorsed areas? Should I stick with my love of the excitement and challenge of elementary teaching, or, pursue the secondary education experience, in a field that I would be highly qualified to teach, like earth science? I really enjoyed working with the kids through my outreach, and had a blast seeing the fun during my observations. I still recall, when that one kid cut out the heart, and wrote on it, “to my friend,” and I went to my car and it brought tears of joy to my eyes. And yet, do I really want to teach all subjects in a common classroom? I suck at math, and i'd be quite uncomfortable teaching so far outside my pedagogical subject content knowledge base. Were I able to teach at middle school ,i think might be a better fit, for there I can compartmentalize into earth and space science, without perhaps needing to learn chemistry and biology and physics too. I could probably teach elementary integrated science, but certainly not secondary. And I would dread taking college credits in those classes again. So, not sure what to do about that. It has become apparent that more teacher education positions require not just the doctorate, but actual classroom time as well, which means some form of cert and some form of time on task, so to speak. So, I feel lost again, unsure of how to proceed that suits my expertise and my needs the most, while doing the most good to the system as a whole. I've thought about a dual enrollment in both a post bachelaurette program as well as the doctoral studies in higher education, educational studies, and diversity and learning. Given the background of a science education program I worked on, I wonder if any classes or credits would even transfer, or not. And I wonder how to finance the thing, given my huge debt.

This reminds me, of another reason, the timing for the bankruptcy may have been right. For me to qualify for the most in loans, would require me to make the least money, as well as the bankruptcy would clear me of my bills. So, it seems to me to be a reasonable thing not to buy a new car at this time, and get back into debt all over again, after having just gone through the process of clearing my debts, which are slowly clearing up. Being a student again, how the heck I am supposed to afford bills plus rent plus car payment? It doesnt add up, so going bankrupt before going back to school makes the most sense. In a way, I see the plan now, it still leads me back to the doctorate degree I so desperately need to complete this time. I might have to take a break from working, this time, while I complete the degree, much as that will cause me pain to not be in the classroom. Still, the ends justify the means so to speak, and I plan on completing the degree this time. Of course, I planed on completing the previous degree attempt too. Had I not been so very depressed, and on no medication, I would have been able to ride out the storm of losing the financial aide, and blowing it with Gina, and I'd have my degree by now. Of course, without a wife, my daily sadness is great, as it was in Oregon. And at the age I am now, it seems research has shown that people in my age group are the unhappiest they are in life. So, that makes me trepidacious. Having blown it once already, even over something like a B-, which was and to this day still is a shock, I can't let myself blow it again. So we'll see just how good I am while I've got the chance to do it. Theres so much work to do, and so much research i'd like to do, with respect to pre-service teachers and adjuncts, that I really look forward to going and doing this.

In the meantime, though I still fell like I am a car out of gas, that I have outlived my usefullness. Adjunct work has really gotten me down, because of the low pay and not enough classes. Plus, this is my 25^th year of working, my 1^st job was in 1982. I need to think about how the heck am I going to retire, where will I end up in the fall, where will I end up after graduating, what will I write, what will my discourses on educational theory themselves be.