Jeffrey M Slebodnick's Life - a Reflective Practice

The Official United Nations Bill or Rights (1948)

2009-10-15T20:34:00.000-08:00

On December 10, 1948 the General Assembly of the United Nations adopted and proclaimed the Universal Declaration of Human Rights the full text of which appears in the following pages. Following this historic act the Assembly called upon all Member countries to publicize the text of the Declaration and "to cause it to be disseminated, displayed, read and expounded principally in schools and other educational institutions, without distinction based on the political status of countries or territories."

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PREAMBLE

Whereas recognition of the inherent dignity and of the equal and inalienable rights of all members of the human family is the foundation of freedom, justice and peace in the world,

Whereas disregard and contempt for human rights have resulted in barbarous acts which have outraged the conscience of mankind, and the advent of a world in which human beings shall enjoy freedom of speech and belief and freedom from fear and want has been proclaimed as the highest aspiration of the common people,

Whereas it is essential, if man is not to be compelled to have recourse, as a last resort, to rebellion against tyranny and oppression, that human rights should be protected by the rule of law,

Whereas it is essential to promote the development of friendly relations between nations,

Whereas the peoples of the United Nations have in the Charter reaffirmed their faith in fundamental human rights, in the dignity and worth of the human person and in the equal rights of men and women and have determined to promote social progress and better standards of life in larger freedom,

Whereas Member States have pledged themselves to achieve, in co-operation with the United Nations, the promotion of universal respect for and observance of human rights and fundamental freedoms,

Whereas a common understanding of these rights and freedoms is of the greatest importance for the full realization of this pledge,

Now, Therefore THE GENERAL ASSEMBLY proclaims THIS UNIVERSAL DECLARATION OF HUMAN RIGHTS as a common standard of achievement for all peoples and all nations, to the end that every individual and every organ of society, keeping this Declaration constantly in mind, shall strive by teaching and education to promote respect for these rights and freedoms and by progressive measures, national and international, to secure their universal and effective recognition and observance, both among the peoples of Member States themselves and among the peoples of territories under their jurisdiction.

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Article 1.

All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights.They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood.

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Article 2.

Everyone is entitled to all the rights and freedoms set forth in this Declaration, without distinction of any kind, such as race, colour, sex, language, religion, political or other opinion, national or social origin, property, birth or other status. Furthermore, no distinction shall be made on the basis of the political, jurisdictional or international status of the country or territory to which a person belongs, whether it be independent, trust, non-self-governing or under any other limitation of sovereignty.

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Article 3.

Everyone has the right to life, liberty and security of person.

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Article 4.

No one shall be held in slavery or servitude; slavery and the slave trade shall be prohibited in all their forms.

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Article 5.

No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.

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Article 6.

Everyone has the right to recognition everywhere as a person before the law.

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Article 7.

All are equal before the law and are entitled without any discrimination to equal protection of the law. All are entitled to equal protection against any discrimination in violation of this Declaration and against any incitement to such discrimination.

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Article 8.

Everyone has the right to an effective remedy by the competent national tribunals for acts violating the fundamental rights granted him by the constitution or by law.

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Article 9.

No one shall be subjected to arbitrary arrest, detention or exile.

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Article 10.

Everyone is entitled in full equality to a fair and public hearing by an independent and impartial tribunal, in the determination of his rights and obligations and of any criminal charge against him.

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Article 11.

(1) Everyone charged with a penal offence has the right to be presumed innocent until proved guilty according to law in a public trial at which he has had all the guarantees necessary for his defence.
(2) No one shall be held guilty of any penal offence on account of any act or omission which did not constitute a penal offence, under national or international law, at the time when it was committed. Nor shall a heavier penalty be imposed than the one that was applicable at the time the penal offence was committed.

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Article 12.

No one shall be subjected to arbitrary interference with his privacy, family, home or correspondence, nor to attacks upon his honour and reputation. Everyone has the right to the protection of the law against such interference or attacks.

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Article 13.

(1) Everyone has the right to freedom of movement and residence within the borders of each state.
(2) Everyone has the right to leave any country, including his own, and to return to his country.

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Article 14.

(1) Everyone has the right to seek and to enjoy in other countries asylum from persecution.
(2) This right may not be invoked in the case of prosecutions genuinely arising from non-political crimes or from acts contrary to the purposes and principles of the United Nations.

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Article 15.

(1) Everyone has the right to a nationality.
(2) No one shall be arbitrarily deprived of his nationality nor denied the right to change his nationality.

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Article 16.

(1) Men and women of full age, without any limitation due to race, nationality or religion, have the right to marry and to found a family. They are entitled to equal rights as to marriage, during marriage and at its dissolution.
(2) Marriage shall be entered into only with the free and full consent of the intending spouses.
(3) The family is the natural and fundamental group unit of society and is entitled to protection by society and the State.

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Article 17.

(1) Everyone has the right to own property alone as well as in association with others.
(2) No one shall be arbitrarily deprived of his property.

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Article 18.

Everyone has the right to freedom of thought, conscience and religion; this right includes freedom to change his religion or belief, and freedom, either alone or in community with others and in public or private, to manifest his religion or belief in teaching, practice, worship and observance.

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Article 19.

Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression; this right includes freedom to hold opinions without interference and to seek, receive and impart information and ideas through any media and regardless of frontiers.

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Article 20.

(1) Everyone has the right to freedom of peaceful assembly and association.
(2) No one may be compelled to belong to an association.

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Article 21.

(1) Everyone has the right to take part in the government of his country, directly or through freely chosen representatives.
(2) Everyone has the right of equal access to public service in his country.
(3) The will of the people shall be the basis of the authority of government; this will shall be expressed in periodic and genuine elections which shall be by universal and equal suffrage and shall be held by secret vote or by equivalent free voting procedures.

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Article 22.

Everyone, as a member of society, has the right to social security and is entitled to realization, through national effort and international co-operation and in accordance with the organization and resources of each State, of the economic, social and cultural rights indispensable for his dignity and the free development of his personality.

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Article 23.

(1) Everyone has the right to work, to free choice of employment, to just and favourable conditions of work and to protection against unemployment.
(2) Everyone, without any discrimination, has the right to equal pay for equal work.
(3) Everyone who works has the right to just and favourable remuneration ensuring for himself and his family an existence worthy of human dignity, and supplemented, if necessary, by other means of social protection.
(4) Everyone has the right to form and to join trade unions for the protection of his interests.

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Article 24.

Everyone has the right to rest and leisure, including reasonable limitation of working hours and periodic holidays with pay.

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Article 25.

(1) Everyone has the right to a standard of living adequate for the health and well-being of himself and of his family, including food, clothing, housing and medical care and necessary social services, and the right to security in the event of unemployment, sickness, disability, widowhood, old age or other lack of livelihood in circumstances beyond his control.
(2) Motherhood and childhood are entitled to special care and assistance. All children, whether born in or out of wedlock, shall enjoy the same social protection.

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Article 26.

(1) Everyone has the right to education. Education shall be free, at least in the elementary and fundamental stages. Elementary education shall be compulsory. Technical and professional education shall be made generally available and higher education shall be equally accessible to all on the basis of merit.
(2) Education shall be directed to the full development of the human personality and to the strengthening of respect for human rights and fundamental freedoms. It shall promote understanding, tolerance and friendship among all nations, racial or religious groups, and shall further the activities of the United Nations for the maintenance of peace.
(3) Parents have a prior right to choose the kind of education that shall be given to their children.

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Article 27.

(1) Everyone has the right freely to participate in the cultural life of the community, to enjoy the arts and to share in scientific advancement and its benefits.
(2) Everyone has the right to the protection of the moral and material interests resulting from any scientific, literary or artistic production of which he is the author.

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Article 28.

Everyone is entitled to a social and international order in which the rights and freedoms set forth in this Declaration can be fully realized.

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Article 29.

(1) Everyone has duties to the community in which alone the free and full development of his personality is possible.
(2) In the exercise of his rights and freedoms, everyone shall be subject only to such limitations as are determined by law solely for the purpose of securing due recognition and respect for the rights and freedoms of others and of meeting the just requirements of morality, public order and the general welfare in a democratic society.
(3) These rights and freedoms may in no case be exercised contrary to the purposes and principles of the United Nations.

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Article 30.

Nothing in this Declaration may be interpreted as implying for any State, group or person any right to engage in any activity or to perform any act aimed at the destruction of any of the rights and freedoms set forth herein.

Life without Whom I want

2009-06-24T16:21:00.000-08:00

Well, life just keeps going, passing me by. Although I’ve been with a ton of women over the years, and i would love to have married quite a few of them and had kids with them, if things had worked out, I really only have been in love with four women in my entire life. Christine, Jenny (I have no clue of her last name), Lauren L, and Suzie. Of these 4 women, I only had the chance to have a decent relationship with Christine and Suzie, both of who are or were my friends. In fact, for me, I’ve had a habit of turning my girlfriends into “friends with benefits” in the past, and that suits my personality best. For me, I’m looking for a woman that I can play with, have fun with, and yet have a sexual relationship with as well. of the four women I love, only Christine gave me that Opportunity. Suzie maintains firm friend bounds, and Jenny I blew it with at her college graduation party some dozen years ago. Lauren was the only one that I really felt connected to Prior to trying to start a relationship with. Yet she turned me down, even though I had already planned on how I was going to propose to her. Of the 4 women I truly love with every ounce of my soul, only Christine and I took it to the next level so to speak. Of the 4 women, only Suzie gives a crap about me any longer – having lost Christine 14 years ago when she threw me out the door, Jenny the night of her graduation party, Lauren the last day I saw her at school about 1/2 a decade ago.
Recently I had a chance to reconnect with some of them, and yet, seems that Lauren wants nothing to do with me. Considering she is in my top 4 women of all time, and certainly likely number 2 or 3 on the sexyness factor, crushes me again. So, each day of life that goes by without the very women I want most, kills me inside a little more and more each passing wasted day.

Archives - December 28 2007 - Life worthless without Christine L Collins

2009-06-06T09:06:00.001-08:00

28 December 2007

well, this year has nearly come to a close. I have had a bad year, having left my full time professorship, losing my hybrid, and filing for bankruptcy. Not to mention, I continue to be turned down by all the women I have been hitting on as late. Seems, as I have no come to realize, that my life is over. I had plenty of opportunity to marry and have kids when I was younger, but now that I am 42, my life has passed me by. All the women of child bearing age, all are turning me down, because I am too (expletive deleted) old. Though my mental age, which has been stuck at 28, since I lost Christine L Collins, is no where near my physical age, my chronological age has caught up with me. Life truly passed me by. The most telling part that really depressed the shit out of me, and ruined this year (aside for me filing bankruptcy and losing my full time position), was while dating Denise, finding out she was interested in me to be a grandpa to her grandkids, and not to be a father, which is what motivates me for relationships. It was a huge disconnect, that led to our breaking up. I have yet to have any kids, and now that I’m old, realized I missed the best part of life… that of being a father. This I knew from the time of Christine. I was ready to be a dad with her, and just as much a dad as with Jennifer too. And yet, though I really identify my role to be a father, it alluded me because I kept blowing it with the women I loved. So, now that 14 years have passed since losing my greatest and in reality only real hope of having kids and marrying somone, I.e Christine L, I no longer have the opportunity I used to have when younger. The last true chance I had at being a dad was with Jennifer. All the women I have gone out with since then, with the exception of KC and Ariel, could not have kids – I.e Gina and Denise. So, I wasted my life. I truly did, as I have realized now, that with the enormity of passing time, there simply has been no one like Christine that gave a shit about me enough to go out with me and be my lover. The few women I have made love to since then, couldnt have kids. So, I hate this life. Not only is not having kids bad enough, but without my Ph.D, I am sunk and back to doing adjunct work, which directly resulted in my filing bankruptcy. So, I view the fallout of not getting the ABD or PhD as absolutely responsible for the way I was treated by the Department Head at TMCC, as well as my filing bankruptcy. Cause and effect you see.
So, where do I go from here? I could have had my wife and my own kids in my 20s. Along with a PhD by 1991, I should have married Christine when I had the chance to in the mid 1980s. Probably the biggest mistake in my life that I consciously did, was not going out with her and dating her, even though we were doing things like couples did so to speak. I was so out of it back then, so stupid back then, I was thinking of Trish and Michelle, and didn’t like the fact that Christine smoked, (even though later, she tasted pretty damn fine after smoking a cigarette before we started making out!). And if I had my shit together scholastically, I would have gone on to grad school in the 1980s, and been teaching for my 22nd year or so. Think of the tenure and retirement I’d have!
I hate myself very much, for blowing the opportunity Christine presented to me, as well as Kelly and Jennifer and Lauren too. And I blew it with Christine not just once, but twice, for by the time I did become deeply involved and emotionally attached to her, it was too late, and I became too needy for her.
So, to this day, the last day I knew love, was Valentines Day 1994, a date that ruined my life. I have yet to recover from it, even now, some 14 year later, I still cry over losing my one true love of my life. Not one women of appropriate age bearing capacity has done for me what Christine did. No one as perfect personality wise, or a gorgeous as her sexyness has been mine since losing her either. Which makes her loss, seem so very great. With each passing day of nothingness and lifelessness, without a girlfriend or a lover like her, that could eventually mate with me, I hate this life and myself more. Each passing day alone, makes me miss her more. Each night alone, makes me miss her legs, and kisses, and her soft sexy silky beautiful skin. She was the best thing that happened to me, in my entire life, aside from my teaching career. And I miss her so much. I’d die to be with her again. Let her know, that to this very day, my love for her is stronger than ever, and my sense of loss, harder and harder to bear. I didnt want to be w/o her then, nor now.

The Dream is Over without a Wife, Career, Kids, and Home

2009-05-31T17:44:00.004-08:00

Well, in a new blog posting, I guess I'll pine about how the American Dream is over for me. I wonder how many others across the country feel the same about the dream.. is it over for us? Will America recover from this depression we are in?
For me, my dream died the day Christine Collins tossed me out the door, in 1994. With that, ended my dreams of family, of a beautiful soft loving wife, of having my own kids with her. And now, its been 15 years since the day she tossed me out the door, and to this very day, no one has done for me what she did, no one has been there for me all these lonely shit years. It used to be, whenever i was feeling down, I could pop on over to her apartment, and she would cheer me up. Whether it was cuddling on the couch, holding hands, playing games, or making out, she was there for me, all those years, as my best friend and eventually my want to be bride. I have known no one in my entire life before or since that gave a shit about me that was a gorgeous as her, soft as her, shapely as her, as loving as her, as playful as her, as carign as her, and so on and so on. She met all my needs in a woman, unlike everyone before or since. She was the closest i have come to having as a wife. In fact, i viewed her as a kind of surrogate wife, and would have been happy had she filled that role forever. we used to kid, that if I had no children by the time I was 30, her and I would have one together and she would be a surrogate mom. What she didnt know, was I wasnt joking, i really was hoping that by the time I turned 30, we'd be married together and have kids on the way. The chemistry we had was unprecedented in my life time. No one has had that chemistry that we had together. I miss her very much, not just her body, which was perfect, but her very soul as well. I died on the inside when she said goodbye.
it wasnt even 2 years later, after going into the hospital, that i gave up on life, and decided it was not worth living without her in 1996. For some reason, I woke up, was given a chance at a new life. My first thought was of her, when i woke up by the way.
Well, i was given a new career, and a new life, but have searched in vain, and dismal regret, that no one has filled me like she did. Though i have had sex with quite a few women since her, and have come close to marrying out in Oregon, and wanted to marry Jenny too, none of them really bonded with me like she did. And so, now that all that time has gone by, and I am now 44, it is too late to start a family. My life 's dreams, are over. Christine has been gone all these years, - theres been no attempt by me or her to contact each other. I'm so afraid of another life ending rejection, that I am too skiddish to contact her. I really would toss this life again, were she to blow me off again. So, i leave this message to her, with the hope that at least she finds out that I never stopped loving her, and that my only dream and hope was to have spent my life with her, as husband and wife, and to have had a few kids together.
So, with that part of my dream now dead, my mantra of "wife, career, kids, and home," the big 4 dreams of my life, are completely dead to me, an impossible dream now.
For one, I simply do not find women in their 40s attractive (Well, OK, aside from Helen Hunt, whom is awesome!). All the women I have been with my entire life, have all been in their 20s until recently. Its only been since I turned 40, that I;ve gone out with the 40 crowd, and frankly, they are too old to start a family with. They are either too old to breed, going through menopause, or looking for someone to be a grandpa to their kids kids. Shit, I want to start my own family, not be the instant father to some kids whom themsevlves would be in their teens or 20s. No, given I died when I was in my 20s, and I continue to constantly think of Jenny, Christine, and so on the way they were when they were in their 20s, I have imprinted on that age group. yeah, I'm old now, and feel it in my back, my neck, my knees, and so on, I still see myself mentally as 27, the day i was when Christine tossed me out the door. to me, Christine and Jenny are ageless, never growing old, staying the same beauty they were in the 1990s, to this very day. So, although I still am looking to start a family, that means looking at some one in their 20s to low 30s, that concept has died too. Now that I am 44, I cant pick up chicks like i used to anymore. So, my chances of finding an age appropriate (20-35 year old women) woman is zero, becuase none of them see past my age. So, that too solidifies the deathnail that this life has become... not only has the only women of my life gone all these years, its impossible now for me to find anyone as good as them. So, no point in looking anymore. Life is over for me.
So I ask myself, what am I doing here? Surely, i wasnt given 15 years of life to still bne single, and to not have had any of my own kids. And yet, without that life and kids, I feel that at this point in life, that its useless and pointless to go on. All i ever wanted was a wife, career, kids and home. How many of us out there, want this simple dream? To me, that is the dream, and its dead to me. So why go on? Whats the point to this life anymore? I never had a chance at having a purpose in life - that of being a husband and father. And so, now that that time of possible opportunity has come and gone, what is keeping me going today?
No, for me my version of the dream has died. It ended in 1994, the day Christine tossed me out of her life, and ended mine. I've spent 15 years searching for someone that would be as good for me as she was, as perfect in their beauty and love, as she was, and found - no one. Now that I am 44, my search is over. Life passed me by.
I'd gladly toss the rest of this life, if it would bring her back. Of course, it didnt when I did that in 1996. I have no purpose in life and no chance now of obtaining purpose at this late stage in life. So now, where do I go from here? I am a walking zombie now, dead on the inside. Aside from a few brief good moments with my friends kids, or in the classroom (just 1 day out of 7), life is a waste to me. Not even my photorgaphy brings me joy anymore aside from a few brief moments.
I wish Christine still gave a shit about me. She was the only one in my entire life that truly did, of her caliber. She was the most perfect woman i have ever known. I wish she'd come back into my life, for the few short years I have left in this lifge before I expire, to show me she cares. becuase I've loved 15 years without a word from her, and it kills me still, to this very day, to know that She used to care about me, and she loved me, more than anyone I have known my entire life. Her loss was the greatest disaster I have known. Even worse than losing my doctorate degree, was losing Christine. Although I know she doesnt care, My love endures, and grows, if only becuase, there has been no one as perfect a match as she was.
So for me, the dream has come and gone. Theres no recovery now. I just hope she learns soon of how much she meant to me. let her contact me again, soon, so my life reamining wont be a futile as the past 15 years have been to me...

Archives May 26 2009 can't bear to be without Christine's love

2009-05-27T01:53:00.001-08:00

26 May 2008

Well, time keeps on ticking by, with no relief in sight. After losing Christine in 1994, I died. I truly did. Aside from my job, I haven't had a reason for living since the day I lost her love for me. To this day, there has be no one like her that I loved that loved me. Though I'm in love with other women too, only Christine was the best. And to this day, she was the only chance I have had at having kids with. None of the other women that wanted to marry me, could have kids. Only Jennifer and Lauren were elligible and available for having kids with. So, its been 14 years now. Her birthday is coming up in a few months. If somehow, some way, she could find out, that I never ever stopped loving her, that i love her more then my life means to me, and that i miss her with all my soul, i could be happy again. I still dream of her, her kisses, her atop me, and her awesomeness. Her soft skin was irresistable to me, and i loved cuddling on the couch, holding hands, and making out.

I don't ever expect to see her until in the afterlife. I blew it with her, that day, when i told her i wanted to spend my life with her. And with that, she threw me out the door, having gone too far I guess. And in her absence, i grow weak and weary of life.

i have a great job, but it no longer makes me happy enough. as my class schedule has been cut, and my doctoral degree dead, and my full time professorship gone, i no longer feel rewarded in life. having just gone through bankruptcy too, i feel like this life has been a waste. were it not for my job, the loss of Christine is too great to go on.

i am now getting older, and what really mattered in life, was whom i got to know, and whom i loved, and was loved by. And i discovered, as i knew the day i proposed to her, how much her love meant, still means, to me. Without her love, my own family, my own kids, my purpose in life has not been fulfilled, its empty, shallow.

Her love for me, ended the day she tossed me out the door. I havent heard from or seen her since then. I miss her much, and wish she knew, somehow, my love is as strong for her now, as it was then. i would still marry her, this day, if she ever were to love me again. but that is a foolish dream, a dream that will be unrealized until i see her again, someday, somewhere, after i leave this world, for here, she doesnt care about me at all. her last words to me, in 1994, were, she couldnt care about me anymore......after telling her that losing her kills me. well, it did, in 1995, i went into the hospital, and in 1996, decided to wake up no more.

i can only hope now, that somehow, someway, she learns my love never died. i dont expect anything from her, though i've always wondered if i had gotten her pregnant. some years later, i asked a longtime former friend about her (her hubby), and he said no, she didnt have a kid. now, i wish she had ... becuase, at least then, there'd be something left to remind me of her love for me, long gone now, only in my memories does her love exist. i still to this day, carry her picture in my wallet.

so, i get older, and look back upon my life, and wonder. if someone asked me what was the best part of my life? I would answer, Christine L Collins by far. From the 1st time she held my hand in the 1980s, to the last time we made out in 1994, she remains to this day, the only long term relationship i've had, except for in my mind (lauren and Jennifer too). For years, she served me as kind of a pseudo wife. Though she was married to someone else the whole time, anytime i needed some love, she satisfied my needs for comfort, love, and caring. she was the most playful, caring, loving, beautiful, and soft, shapely woman I have been with. her friendship crossed all bounds, and had i had my werewithall, and knowledge of just how awesome she was to me, i would have married her from teh beginning, instead of taking 7-8 years to finally want to marry her. by then it was too late.

well, i miss her, and i so desperately want her to know i still love her. i miss her kiss, her playful hands, and tickling her feet. she was 1 in a billion, and my perfect match for all time. i can only hope, she finds this message in a bottle, thrown into the ocean of the internet. I love you Christine still to this very day

Archives- March 5, 2008 - Where to from here without Christine Collins and my PhD?

2009-05-27T01:01:00.001-08:00

5 March 2008

Well, its been a while since I wrote, so thought I'd take some time and put down some words on paper. The delay in writing has many reasons, mostly that I have much to say, but no way to put into words how I feel about this life.

Well, I'm about 1 month from my next birthday. I suppose another year older beats the alternative, as opposed to being dead. But then, were I dead, I would be with Jesus, and Christine, and my relatives, and my wife and kids that I missed out on having this term.

Well, I suppose if I have the where-with-all to do so, I plan on writing tonight about a variety of things:

Life

Election

Finances

School

Continued Doctoral studies

Post bachelaureate certification

car troubles

lack of wife and kids still

Well, in no particular order, lets begin with my favorite thing to complain about in this life, no wife and kids. Every night I sleep alone, makes me miss Christine Collins with ever greater sense of loss. Every morning I wake up alone, makes me miss her too. She was everything to me, and was like a surrogate wife for me. Had that option been available to me, back in the 1990s, to have had her as a kind of fill in make believe wife, that would be there for me as a wife, every once in a while on a regular basis, I would have jumped at the chance to have her like that. And yet, it was not in the cards. And theres been really no one like her, except for Jenni, from mid 1990s, at least as far as her awesome beauty and awesome softness and awesome shape and awesomeness altogether. I've only known one women in my entire life, that I got along with as well as I did her, or whom had the same teasing attitude and playfulness that Christine did. It breaks my heart ever single night and morning that no one like her, has given me love. I finally wrote my epithet – entitled a “letter to Christine.” In a way, its my final words, for unless someone comes along like her and marries me and starts a family with me, which I find problematic and no longer possible given my chronological age and a lack of suitable child bearing age appropriate women, I can truly say nothing greater in life, then my last words of undying love for her. As if to prove my last thoughts will be of her, unless someone rescues me in this life, my first words when I woke up in Traverse city, my 1^st thought, was of her, hugging me and holding me dearly. I've left a package in my safe, for her to be sent to her, upon my untimely death, if it happens before I get married to some else. I have saved every single photograph of her, and even of her son that I had, as well as my card I gave her the day she threw me out the door. And then theres the letter itself, addressed to her specifically alone, above all else in the package. I still cry on a weekly basis I suppose, over losing her, now in its 14^th year gone by. Even as tremendous a blow as losing my doctorate degree out in Oregon was, pales in comparison to losing Christine, for I didnt just lose her, I lost out on the company of 3 people – her, Cliff, and their son. So, to this day, I miss her much, and want so desperately for her to know that I have never stopped loving her, that in fact, as I've gotten older, my love has grown, as no one has stepped forth to fill that emptiness, that darkness, that lack of life deep inside me. I ache for her to know I never stopped loving her, that She means my entire life to me. In fact, the memories of her, are the best memories of my entire life, and yet, they make me so sad, when I contemplate just what might have been, had I not been so needy of her love and attention. But then, she was so good at it, so loving, so tender, and yet so good to me, all those years. Were I to change one thing in my life, it would be having married and had kids with her, or, at least, not blown it with her, and still being loved by her, and all the extra curricular activities that entails.

With respect to school, I should hear from U D soon, if I get accepted there for the fall 2009 term. I'm looking forward to getting back to school, and would love to take classes again, and get more grounding. My time at FSU, taught me some valuable lessons, that I don;'t have all the answers, and that I need much more grounding in educational theory. The more I reflect upon that last term there, aside from the huge financial burden it was until I got my back pay and mileage, was that I came away thinking the students didnt really learn much from me they already did'nt know. Judging from the few anonymous responses I got to the post assess survey, students remarked they did not learn much there. So, that really bummed me out, and made the whole experience there a sad one for me. Still, I am very grateful for the opportunity presented, to observe in the elementary classroom, real interaction and real lessons taught authentically. I came away with a new found idea of what it takes to be called “a natural” in the classroom, as several of the students seemed completely at ease and had fun during my observations of them. It was a great experience for me to have had the opportunity to collaborate with Dr. (name edited) on rubrics, assignments, and scheduling. Plus, her letting me stay over made it not so much of a burden for me to be waking up at 4 am for my 2 hour commute. I do think I brought some new ideas to the classroom, such as the newsletter idea. Given they were seniors, it seemed like the right thing to do to get them interested in participating towards a final project of sorts, and reflection of their time spent in the real world elementary setting.

Things this term, are off and running. I can't believe it is March already. I have 2 sections of physical geography this term, one a morning class and one an afternoon course. I just gave the two classes an exam, with mostly identical questions. And yet, my morning exam had a much less then average raw score, as compared to the afternoon class, which had a raw score of 81-82%. I am still struggling to figure out what went wrong with the 1^st class's exam,. As opposed to the second course. I've spoke with others, and they suggest things like its a 9 am class, etc, etc, etc. I don't buy into that approach much myself. I've taught 9 am courses at EMU and other places, and not had such a wide gap between two of the same section course. No, theres got to be some underlying issue I haven't put my finger on yet. Attendance was potentially an issue, with people taking the exam whom had only been to 1 or 2 classes this entire term. And yet, could my delivery of the material be that different between the 1^st and second classes? I can't see that being the deciding factor. I keep all the notes up from the 1^st class to the second class, and show the same movies, the same power points, and the same lecture. I am really surprised as to how little these two tests correlated with each other. I am still searching for what has to be a multitude of reasons.

Right now, I have a very light schedule, working only 1 day per week, with only 2 courses this term. Not happy about that one bit, I have always said I need 4 classes minimum to be viable, and as I have no intention of giving up teaching, will stick it out to the bitter end or to the pot o gold at the end of the rainbow. I am always looking for part time work, in areas I know something about, but this economy sucks and there are no decent jobs in the positions I see myself as being experienced or able to do. There have been some geology jobs, but they have been full time, and my teaching will always come first. I learned the hard way back in 1995, that school and my teaching job, will always have priority over anything else. But, were there to be a position that fits my schedule, I'm there and available for work here and now, should it be something I am good at doing.

Part of me understands why I needed to have only a few courses last term, and this term, because its related to my bankruptcy. But then, if I had the appropriate class load, I would not have had to fucking go bankrupt in the 1^st place, I would have been able to afford my bills, including my hybrid car. Of course, had I not been forced to leave ND, I would have made 50 grand this year teaching elementary methods or secondary methods courses there. Having left Michigan now twice in the past 4 years to go to school and to be full time, there is not as much opportunity here as there once was to get part time teaching positions here. So, that being the case, I am ready to move on, and get out of dodge one final time, as I pursue my doctoral studies elsewhere, or if lucky, receive a full time offer somewhere out west. I've done a lot of thought, inside, about the need for the doctorate, and the need also concurrent with that to get my certification. The question of late, has been, what should the license be in, and what endorsed areas? Should I stick with my love of the excitement and challenge of elementary teaching, or, pursue the secondary education experience, in a field that I would be highly qualified to teach, like earth science? I really enjoyed working with the kids through my outreach, and had a blast seeing the fun during my observations. I still recall, when that one kid cut out the heart, and wrote on it, “to my friend,” and I went to my car and it brought tears of joy to my eyes. And yet, do I really want to teach all subjects in a common classroom? I suck at math, and i'd be quite uncomfortable teaching so far outside my pedagogical subject content knowledge base. Were I able to teach at middle school ,i think might be a better fit, for there I can compartmentalize into earth and space science, without perhaps needing to learn chemistry and biology and physics too. I could probably teach elementary integrated science, but certainly not secondary. And I would dread taking college credits in those classes again. So, not sure what to do about that. It has become apparent that more teacher education positions require not just the doctorate, but actual classroom time as well, which means some form of cert and some form of time on task, so to speak. So, I feel lost again, unsure of how to proceed that suits my expertise and my needs the most, while doing the most good to the system as a whole. I've thought about a dual enrollment in both a post bachelaurette program as well as the doctoral studies in higher education, educational studies, and diversity and learning. Given the background of a science education program I worked on, I wonder if any classes or credits would even transfer, or not. And I wonder how to finance the thing, given my huge debt.

This reminds me, of another reason, the timing for the bankruptcy may have been right. For me to qualify for the most in loans, would require me to make the least money, as well as the bankruptcy would clear me of my bills. So, it seems to me to be a reasonable thing not to buy a new car at this time, and get back into debt all over again, after having just gone through the process of clearing my debts, which are slowly clearing up. Being a student again, how the heck I am supposed to afford bills plus rent plus car payment? It doesnt add up, so going bankrupt before going back to school makes the most sense. In a way, I see the plan now, it still leads me back to the doctorate degree I so desperately need to complete this time. I might have to take a break from working, this time, while I complete the degree, much as that will cause me pain to not be in the classroom. Still, the ends justify the means so to speak, and I plan on completing the degree this time. Of course, I planed on completing the previous degree attempt too. Had I not been so very depressed, and on no medication, I would have been able to ride out the storm of losing the financial aide, and blowing it with Gina, and I'd have my degree by now. Of course, without a wife, my daily sadness is great, as it was in Oregon. And at the age I am now, it seems research has shown that people in my age group are the unhappiest they are in life. So, that makes me trepidacious. Having blown it once already, even over something like a B-, which was and to this day still is a shock, I can't let myself blow it again. So we'll see just how good I am while I've got the chance to do it. Theres so much work to do, and so much research i'd like to do, with respect to pre-service teachers and adjuncts, that I really look forward to going and doing this.

In the meantime, though I still fell like I am a car out of gas, that I have outlived my usefullness. Adjunct work has really gotten me down, because of the low pay and not enough classes. Plus, this is my 25^th year of working, my 1^st job was in 1982. I need to think about how the heck am I going to retire, where will I end up in the fall, where will I end up after graduating, what will I write, what will my discourses on educational theory themselves be.

Archives - February 1 2008 - Is Life without Christine Over?

2009-05-27T00:55:00.001-08:00

God I miss Christine Lynn C. Still, its been 14 years, and theres been no one like her. And now, I'm old, too old for the women of the right age to have kids (20-35 year olds). those chicks dont seem interested in me anymore, they just see my age, and turn away, not knowing that I'm still mentally 28, which is how old I was when Christine Lynn tossed me out the door, and my life as I knew it, full of love from her, was over. I have a personal ad up, but none of the chicks I email write me, they just say I'm too old. Only chicks in their 40s and up have been checking me out online, which truly is a sign that my life is over.

I was supposed to be a dad, to my own kids, and a great husband to my loving wife. And yet, Christine, Jennifer, Lauren didnt take me up on my offers of marriage. In fact, the very day I told Christine I wanted to spend my life with her, she booted me out, and that was that. Now, my life is a ruined empty landscape, devoid of what matters most in life, which is family. I see my students having kids, and I am so jealous of them, for they have lived more life than i have, even though I am twice their age (on average perhaps). Life has passed me by, without providing my needs of family and friends. No, this life is over for me I feel, without the needed wife and kids to grow old with and help nurture and grow. For I am an incomplete human being, without being a father and a husband to the women I adore and love to this very day.

Now, seems the only chicks that are interested are those that are themselves barren, looking for life as grandparents, not willing, unable, or too old to have kids anymore. And so this chapter of life closes. I have so much hatred of self, for not marrying the women i wanted to back in the 1980s or 1990s. Be it Christine, Trisha, Jennifer, Lauren, Kelly, or others, this life is en empty shell and a waste of time without them and without our kids that we should have had together.

Were I to change one thing in my life, it would not be walking away from the PhD, though that led directly to my recent bankruptcy, no, I would change one thing most of all.... marrying Christine, Jennifer, or Lauren and starting a family with them.

Now it seems its too late.... none of the chicks of suitable age, even look at my ad any longer........ life passed me by.

Archives - 1-17-2008 Life Blows without Christine Holding me

2009-05-27T00:49:00.000-08:00

well, time keeps on ticking. Each day not in the classroom, and without a wife and kids, makes me sadder and sadder, each passing day. I truly miss Christine, and as time goes on, my love for her grows. Each day no one like her loves me, no one as soft, as beautiful, as loving, as playful, as fantastic as she was inside, out, and on top or on the bottom (!), my sense of loss grows. It grows every day. I miss Lauren and Jennifer too, but they didnt love me like Christine did. See, the hardest part of all, is that she did love me, and we were such great friends, and yet, we really were lovers to some extent from the beginning. We held hands, and she had such warm, soft, playful hands, that i still miss holding. We'd held hands for years. All the while, her hubby, also one of my best friends, kept asking me if I wanted her. Well, she wanted me, and dreamt of me often, I was told. It wasnt until we started huggiing each other, that i began to realize, that here in my arms is a woman that really loves me. The day i greeted her at the door, and she hugged me, and kissed me, and continued to hold me, even when some stranger came to the door, she still held me, was the day i knew love for the first time.

I've been with lots of chicks since then. But they were all short term, not long term like she was. None matched her beauty, softness, and ability to marry and have kids with, which made her unique. Now, the only women i have loved since her that loved me, couldnt have kids, and that makes me sad. So, yeah, life is over. Every day that goes by now, makes me sad, for its another year without love, without a wife, without my own kids, etc.

It breaks my heart to know most of all, that she loved me, and no longer does. Because I ruined it with her, by showing up when she tol me not to, by being too needy of her love, and asking her to marry me. I still have the poem i wrote her, that last day. I spoke about her soft ness, her love, her touch, her caress, her taste, and her "coos", which no one else makes. Her love for me was special, and i will take that love with me, to the day i die. I miss her love, very much. I seek love of that kind with someone else, but, to no luck so far. Had Lauren and Jennifer loved me like she did, we'd be married now too. Had Gina or D been able to have kids, maybe we'd be married too. Gina had kids that were so awesome, one even called me dad. Wow, that brought tears to my eyes and still does. But I havent heard from Christine since the day she tossed me out the door, and told me goodbye.

As my life plummets into bankruptcy, and limited classes, with little prospect of life, love, or family, i year for the good times with her. As my life is shit now, my love for her grows. God I miss her love. God I miss her love. :(

My life is in ruins now. Since losing the PhD, by dropping out, my life has gone downhill. I no longer have a love for life. I no longer love life. i no longer have a reason for being. I miss love, more then anything else.

Still, there are some bright spots in life. I have my classes, which is the only thing that saved my life. After trying giving up on life back in the 1990s, only God has brought me alive again. I know there is a plan for me, and that someday I'll get my PhD, and someday I'll be full time. But, without a wife and my own kids, there is no life worthwhile.

i'm very depressed now.

and yet, my photography is better then ever. i have some decent equipment now to taker pictures with

Archives - January 6 2008 - State of Life

2009-05-27T00:41:00.001-08:00

Hello. Tomorrow is the beginning of the Winter term, at one of my 2, maybe 3 schools. As always, I'm excited about the new term, and look forward to creating a learning opportunity. I have spent today mostly prepping for this 1st week. I revised my intro video, my why geosciences power point, and the syllabus. I also created a new syllabus for my school that starts in 1.5 weeks, next Thursday, at KCC. Should be a good term. I also have a chance to teach at CMU some teachers prep geoscience courses, something I am looking forward to as well.

In the meantime, I have also begun a research project taking some of my doctoral research a step further, and seeing if K-12 texts match the state of michigan GLCEs. I hope they do, and the research requires analyzing the table of contents and comparing them to what the guidelines call for. @ texts have already been aligned to the GLCEs, I've found out since commencing my research last week. I plan on obtaining more chapter summaries as time progresses. The eventual intent is to publish the results in MESTA as well as on ERIC. I need to start publishing and getting some of my scholarly ideas into print, for comment elsewhere. I have some ideas I am developing with respect to pre-service teacher preparation programs, but need more grounding before I can continue. That's why I have applied to an PhD program in Colorado for the fall term. I'm hoping top get accepted, and to prove better then i did at OSU that I am worthy of the degree. I still hold a lot of self hate, for not finishing the PhD out in OSU, and for leaving, and for failing to perform up to my extremely high standards. to end up with a 3.53 was a disappointment, and the B- I earned in the theoretical framework course really depressed me, and sapped my morale to continue on at OSU. One of the worst mistakes of my life, ruined my life, not finishing the PhD, for it left me without respect at TMCC by the dept head, and directly contributed to my bankruptcy.

I hope 2008 is a better year for me then 2007 was. There is so much to write about, and yet, here in this public forum, it necessarily has to be sanitized. Even letters to my dad, don't express how sad and depressed I am, for he shouldn't need to worry about me. Once the term begins, I hope I'll be happy again. Since losing my professorial position in ND, i have lost my love of life. Not only did I lose my love of life, but I still have yet to recover from losing the love of my Life, Christine L C. God, I still miss her much. I think of her every day, and how special she was to me, how much love she gave me, which to this day, some 14 years after losing her in February 1994, have yet to recover. There is much self hate, for blowing it with her. Yeah, I know, that's very sad to think about it, but now that I am 40 now, with no prospect of getting a wife to marry and have kids with me because they dont want me for being too old, no, this life is over.

Still, i continue to slog on, going about my job, which saved my life some years ago. In a way, teaching has provided me with a family of sorts, which meets some of my needs, and in return, i hopefully can change lives for the better, and make life better for them through earning a good education, and making a difference in someone's life themselves. I'm a big believer in service learning, and want my students to care about others less fortunate than them. its why we need change in this country, be it republican or democratic, i plan on voting for change this coming fall presidential election. Someone that cares about the little guy, about the price of gas, about job security, about how bad it is to buy foreign goods. We need a protectionist government, one that protects what businesses are here left. I feel, its time for a new economic system, to replace capitalism, not socialist, but my own concept, economics of freedom and free choice.

anyway, as you can see, theres a lot to write about here. Feel free to comment if you are my friend.

I wanted to say thanks to Christine, and Jennifer and Lauren and Kelly and Carrie for loving me. If I could be married to them, I'd be there now, as their husband and father to our kids. God I miss Christine L C, and I wish she had married me, or at least met my needs as she did every single day she was with me. of all the memories i have,i cherish my time with her most of all.

The Life missed out on

2009-05-21T14:50:00.001-08:00

Recently, an old friend of mine, from 25 years ago or so, caught up with me over the web. She and I had hit it off so to speak when we were in school, long ago. Time passed, and we went our separate ways, as often has been the case in my life over time.

That said, she found me last year, and we have renewed a friendship from long ago. She has 2 great daughters, and she is going through a separation. Though I am not interested in pursuing a relationship other than friends, we do a lot together, and go places with her and her kids (now 13 and 21) often. As great as it may seem, it actually has caused me to feel even worse about life than I had.

This past April, was my 40 something birthday. As always, when i have a birthday, i view them as a time to assess my life so far. And in doing so, I have realized just how much life i missed out on.

When Christine C decided in 1994, that she no longer cared about me, and turned down my blatant marriage proposal to her, so long in coming, my life ended on the inside for me. Here she was, the most beautiful (well, until Jennifer in 1997!), and most loving woman, and most playful woman I have ever known in my entire life. She satisfied my every need, and was like a surrogate wife to me all those years from 1986 through 1994, the only years i knew her (much to my despair). In fact, we used to joke quite often and teased each other for years, prior to my falling in love with her, too late in her life to marry me. I had really hoped she would someday marry me, or at the least, have kids with me, before I turned 30, and I was absolutely serious about that part of our playful encounters.

Anyway, by 1993, i knew i wanted to spend my life with her. i would go to see her anytime i could, just to be in her presence, and to see her smile, hold her soft loving hands, and make her coo and purr, like i used to do, whenever i loved her. She was the best i have known, even now, no one has been as soft, loving, shapely, beautiful, loving, or as playful as she was. We were meant for each other, i was sure. So, imagine my surprise, when she told me she didnt care about me that way, and i had to leave, when i finally put into words on paper, in 1994, of just exactly how i felt about her. I left balling, and drove like 120 miles per hour, crying all the way home, to a future i no longer wanted. For I had just blown the only love I had known. Little did I know back in 1994, that though i would be with many women since losing Christine, that none, NONE, would do for me what she did in all the years i knew and loved her.

Well, the heartache was devastating to me. I died on the inside, and went from job to job (15 in that time frame alone), not caring about life, myself, or anyone else. I could bear no more pain, when within 2 years (1996), I chose to no longer wake up, if you know what I mean. Two years was too many years without her love, without a life worth living.

For some reason, i woke up the next day. My first thought was of her, then consciousness dawned upon me, and i realized my attempt had been futile. Where do I go from here?

Fast forward to today, some 15 years after losing Christine. Years 3-10 weren’t too bad to deal with, after all, when I decided to no longer be in this world, i guess those were fairly insignificant years on a personal level, though I did start a new teaching career, and almost finished my doctoral degree, before dropping out, and nearly married Gina, whom had 3 wonderful children out in Oregon. However, all the women whom could have kids with me, like Jenny, Lauren, Dana, and so on, were not interested in me, or I had somehow blew it with them before it got to the level it had with Christine. So, i survived, until this year.

For some reason, the 15th year without her has hit me as hard as 1996 was for me. I feel the same now as then, even though I have a decent job, good students, and even have a home. To truly understand this, one needs to see just what sparked this saddness this, of all years.

Being 44 now, sucks. Too old for the 25-33 crowd I have loved my entire life. My entire life, as an adult, has been spent with women in that age bracket, until the past 2 years. The problem with 40+ year old women, is that they dont want to start a new family, chances are they are just in the process of graduating their own kids. The past few women i have gone out had adult kids, which makes me feel awful about my empty wasted life. The women i wanted to marry when i was 20, 25, 27, 28, 32, 37 and so on, all were young enough to have more kids, or had none and could have kids in the future. Now, the only women I can pick up are old like me, all whom live a life as a parent of kids, from birth to adulthood. And me, with no kids, no wife, no family, missed out on all that life. Aside from my job, the past 10 years as a college professor, (and a brief stint as a middle school teacher too), my life has been completely empty.

Now that i have some friends that i have connected with, it shows me how much life i truly missed as a parent with the women i wanted to have kids with back in the 1980s or 1990s. Life passed me by. And the more plays i go to, or concerts, or dinners with my friend and her kids, the more fun I have, the worse I end up feeling in the long run. because I don’t have that of my own. I soooooo wanted to marry and have kids with Christine, or Jenny, or Trisha, or Kelly, or some blonde chick from 1988, etc, etc, etc. And yet, it didn’t happen. None of those women i wanted to be with gave a shit about me other than to go out with me a few times (or not). Only Jenny gave me a chance to be with her, if you know what i mean, but i blew it with her before we took it to the next level. Aside from Gina, whom couldn’t have kids, and D, whom didn’t want kids, there’s been no real chance of having my own set of kids.

I used to have so much fun with Christine, unlike nearly anyone else since losing her. Though I have fun with Gina’s kids, i bonded more with them than her in the short time i was with them. Gee, the one kid even started calling me dad. That still brings tears to my eyes occasionally. I never played with anyone as much as I did Christine. For years, we were like grown kids, playing games with each other, having so much fun, and love, holding hands and making out, until love got in the way, and destroyed what i valued more than anything else on earth.

And so i close this meditation, with the lasting memory of her love and the good times we had. Juxtaposed with the good times from 1986 – 1994, are the totally empty years of 1995-now. Although i get to experience second hand some of what i missed out on with my friends and their kids, my personal life, on a deeply personal level (not professionally), was a waste of time and talent. I had so much love to give, to both my wife and my kids. And yet, none of those that i wanted to, took me up on the offer of marriage, or, those i considered marriage with, i blew or left. So, my life has been empty of love, empty of happiness, and empty of meaning on a personal level. I feel as bad as i did in 1996. It is preciously because i no longer am 27 years old, with a future worth living as a potential husband and father. No, it is because I am now 44, not having had the opportunity to marry and have kids with whom i wanted to back when i was young enough and in good enough health to have started my own family. Now, i feel old, am too old to marry those i want to, and even if i were to somehow miraculously get back with those i love deeply, they too are now in their late 30s or early to mid 40s also, and they don’t want kids, or they are looking for a grandpa to their kid’s- kids. So, as I contemplate what it means to be 44, I look back on life, and think — wow, what was the best part of life? Well, aside from my job, the very best part of life, was my every second i spent with Christine. Aside from a few brief moments with Gina and her kids, and my friend’s kids now, as far as what was the best times of my life, period, they were with Christine. I miss and treasure her in her entirety. And so now I cry all the time, for months on end now, nearly every day, as I think of how 15 years of life, could have been worth something, had she married me, stayed my lover, or at least stayed my best friend on earth. And i do wish, we had had kids together, even if she didn’t marry me, i wish some life had come from our relationship, a symbol of her love for me that she used to have, until she told me she didn’t care about me any more.

So, i wonder to myself, if the very woman i was meant for hasn’t thought of me, or cared about me all these years, why should I care about me either? If she was the only reason for being, and she has been gone all these years, how long can i go on myself? I do feel like 1996, if only because of the life i should have had. I still, to this day, wonder why I woke up all those years ago. It hurts so much, to know she doesn’t care, when she used to love to be atop of me. Had I not shown up to satisfy my needs for her love the day she told me to stay home, maybe we’d still be together holding hands, and making out. The hardest thing of all, is that in that one day, I blew it, and she took her love from me and booted me out the door. I blew it with her. Knowing that i didn’t have to go over that day, i could have waited, yet i didn’t, means it was my fault that she said good bye. And with that kind of pain, I only lasted 2 years – til 1996, when i said goodbye to this world. Is 2009 1996 all over again? Only time will tell. But given the enormity of what I lost, all these 15 years of love, family, wife, kids, friends, etc. I so hate myself for blowing it with her. I so hope she reads this soon.

Christine Collins and Jenny with me always

Ode to Christine L Collins

2009-05-21T14:46:00.001-08:00

She’s gone

For years I knew her love
Holding hands
Kissing quickly
Later passionately
Going out to eat
Or staying in
On the couch
Her love for me was great
Mine for her was complete
I put a ring on her finger
The closest I’ve got to proposing
She didn’t say no
She didn’t say yes
I still recall with gladness
Her reply

“(Will you ever let me go….?”)”

So we made love
More than once
And for a while
I thought we’d be parents
To be her husband
Was all I wanted
To be a dad
Was something
I’d hoped she provide
For seven years or so
I knew her
Loved her every time
I saw her smile
She was better each time

That I saw her

We played together

At 27

I was hooked
On her kisses
Her love

To be hers forever

Was my intention
I dreamt of our life together
And couldn’t stand to be apart from her
For so many years
She could have me
As she too dreamt
We teased each other
Day and night
For years and years
Till we finally acted
On our primal urges
My love for her
Meant more then life itself
I was meant for her
And to be hers
Was all I wanted

Then one day

We had a date
I was so excited
It was that special day
When couples proclaim their love
For each other
And so I bought
Some champagne
And some cards
and wrote on it
my very thoughts
of being with her
was my desire

in my letter

I spelled it all out
I wanted a life with her
And was finally ready
To make it so with her
But she did a turn about
And threw me out
It was cold
And I left my gloves there
Telling her just how
Bad her declining of my offer
Killed me so
So I went out
And headed home
Crying all the way
Not caring
If I made it home or not

Two days later

It was over
She had called
To tell me
She couldn’t see me any longer
And could not care about me
No more
Those words tore through me
And tore me in half
And I wept
And on the inside
Died

It wouldn’t be long

Not even two short years later
That I had enough of life
I couldn’t stand to be
Without her love
And so I decide
In ‘96
I’d had enough
And ended this life
To escape the pain
Undying
Of knowing her kiss
And her love
She used to have for me
And that in one day
She took back

And so to my surprise

I woke up to life
The very next morning
My first waking thought
Was of Christine
Her hug of me I felt
And I cried
I had not died
After all
But inside
I might as well have been so
For life to me
Was no life worth living

Still

My new found life
Was a gift
A second chance at life
Or so I thought
A new career would soon spring forth
To be a professor was my choice
Of course
I gave my 1st lecture
In ‘86
I should not have had to wait
Til ’01 to give my next
Such a waste of time and talent
Would be a recurring thought

So now my birthday

My 44th in this life

And my thoughts turn once more
To my past loves
e

Its been now 15 years since she tossed me out the door

When I look back on my time of this life
She was the best part
My relationship with her
Lasted longer than all the rest combined
Except for Lauren and Jennifer
Whom have been within me long term

Whom I adore

And yet
I look back
And see nothing but waste land
Aside from my job
Which I’ve self destructed on many times
Still til this day
Over losing her love
It still kills me
To this very day
To be without her love
I think of the past 15 years
I could have spent with her
Whether as her lover
Husband
Or father to our children
Its all I wanted out of life
And now that I’m 44
What a waste life has been
To have come so close
When ‘I was 28
To marrying and having kids of my own

Every night she isn’t beside me

Every morning without her voice or kisses
Makes every day
Sad for me

So now its been 15 long painful years

I still cry over losing her
Still do

To be with her

Is all I wish
She was the best part of life
To have gone so long without her

Whats so hard to bear

Theres been no one like her

She was all I lived for
And my love for her
Has gotten stronger
Now that I have lived so much life
Alone
Without a wife and family of my own
It just goes to show
Just how special she was
Inside and out
And the worst thing of all
Is she loved me very much
Enough to give of herself

Til I showed up

And ruined the very thing
I lived life for
Knowing that I am to blame
That had I not shown up
It would have lasted longer
And whom knows
We might even had had a child

To love me for years

And in an instant no more

And worse of all

Is not only did I lose her love
All those years ago
She hasn’t cared one shit for me
Since the very day
She tossed me out the door
Where the day before
She had love
That day
She had none

And so as another birthday comes once more

I’ve spent my entire 30s

And early 40s alone
Without my wife and kids
So much life
Wasted

what might have been

So much potential we had

We never fought or fight
We only had fun, laughter, love, and life together
And in a moment
All because I stopped on by
Her love for me died

For to have had such love

That was taken away
And so much time
Gone by

Would she even know

Does she think of me at all

Does she remember the good times
I think of them all the time
And it makes me cry – every day now, and even nights
For I could have had
The past 15 years
With her
Making memories of love, joy, and family fun

I’ve heard nothing from her since

Its been 15 years of heartache

so now that my birthday has come and gone

I’m sad to the bone
to be still alone
and theres been no one
like her
in all my life
before or since
that held her passion
playful
and relaxing
my love for her still endures
unlike hers
who took her love from me in an instant

now that i am 44

its too late to start a family
my life was squandered without her
those 15 years
i could have had
as a husband and a father
its all i wanted
now its no bother
because i am now too old

so all i have is my work

my job
my career
and my love of photography
but my birthday wish
was for her to see my list
and read my ode to her
so she finally knows
my love for her endures

Introduction

2009-05-21T14:41:00.001-08:00

Well, as I compose this entry, let me just say one thing about the meaning of life. When all is said and done, it all comes down to who we are and what we did with our lives. With the recent change of administration, with President Obama now being sworn in, I hope and pray that a time of renewal will take place, of our vows to look out for our fellow travellers on this small planet. It has been written that Jesus looks after the poor and the meek. Let us all do our part to look after each other, and work to bring an end to poverty, hunger, and war. Idyllic sure, but if we don’t set such goals, then whom will look after those that need aide. So here we are with a new President, one whom will do great things, to bring hope to so many, and bring change in policies to Washington.

Having myself seen dispare, over losing what amounted to the most complete and fulfilling love I have known in my entire life when Christine Collins said goodbye, and now having left my 20s and 30s behind me, have realized what a waste life was without the women i loved and wanted a family with. Now it is too Damn late, life has passed me by without a wife and my own kids. So, the only thing that has kept me going has been my job as a teacher, and my faith and hope in Jesus. When I lost Christine Collins, I lost my life as I knew it, full of love, and hope for a future with her and our kids, that I looked forward to. And so now that so much time has gone by, I am out of hope and time now.

I wish that she was able to read this message, and realize just how much she meant to me, and to this day, still does mean to me. For though I’ve been with many women since losing her, and proposed to a few of them since them, (which none accepted, just like Christine didnt either), there has been none like her at all in my entire life. I gave my life for her in the mid 1990s, and God let me live. To wake up the next morning, not knowing where to go from there, at least I was given a new chance at life. With that new chance came a new career. But that said, it no longer is enough. I would still give my life to spend it with her, or someone as good as she was to me, that was as soft, beautiful, playful, and loving as she used to be so many years ago. And I wish to God we had had kids together, as I believed at the time that I had with her!

I have not seen her since the very day she tossed me out the apartment, so long ago. I hope she somehow knows, that all i have for her is love, stll til this very day. Now that I am in my 40s now, life has passsed me by. She should know, she was the very best part of life, my time spent with her, from the first instant i met her, to the very end, when she threw me out the door.

God I miss her still, and dream of her the way she was, when she herself was in her late 20s, as was I so long ago. To me, she is ageless, and will always be the love of my life, along with some others I have met along the journey of life too.

So, where do I go from here.
This post, like the poem above above this post, is a message in a bottle for her. I hope that before I leave this world, she finds this message, and knows that my love never died for her and like me, goes on for all eternity.